The Magic Couch and I.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” – A. A. Milne 

It has been pretty quiet around here for a while and honestly, I don’t like it. Paper writing and demanding course work took the best of me for the last several days but slowly, things are winding down and I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Writing and reading for pleasure are in reachable distance. What has been bothering me more than anything recently is this unbearable pain in my gallbladder. I wrote a post about it about a month ago and I was pain free ever since. However, certain food choices caused this intense pain that knocks me down to come back and I was barely able to get back up. 

I pan-fried tofu the other night to eat it with a sandwich and salad which is nothing crazy in the first place. Shortly after I ate it, the pain started on my right side (gallbladder, liver etc.) all the way through my back and made me curl up in a fetal position on the couch. My magic couch. The place where I am the happiest in the house. As I was curled up and in this unbearable pain (I was close to call 9-1-1), I counted seconds, minutes and hours. I tried to read, but I could not concentrate. I tried to watch documentaries to distract myself for a while but it did not work too well either. I just felt like I should be able to make this pain stop somehow and function normally again, you know? A couple of slices of pan fried tofu could do this to me, while I lay down struggling to think straight. Wasn’t I always able to fight off anything? Whenever Petit Joel brings home germs from daycare, I would sometimes feel a bit weird for half a day or a day, but in the end of it, I would be fine. Don’t I eat pretty healthy on a daily basis? 

So I spent the night on the magic couch. I started out in the bedroom and dragged myself downstairs eventually. Here, I have more light, more air and I am closer to water and tea, which was the only thing I was able to drink or “eat”. Over night I started feeling worse and thought about what I should do with Petit Joel. The best thing would have been to just call an ambulance but I think and worry too much (German?) about my son and simply thought, “I can do this. I am able to manage this pain”. And I was. But it was tough. [In hindsight, I should have called an ambulance, especially when thinking about my son]. I slept maybe half an hour in the most uncomfortable positions that somehow made my exhausted, tired body rest. I am pretty good with pain (tattoos, c-section etc.) but this was something else. You know what I am talking about if you ever experienced gallbladder infection/gallstones and whatnot. This pain is no joke! And the scariest thing is, that it came out of nowhere. Just like that! I was not prepared. 

I managed to get Petit Joel ready for preschool the next day, drove there and dropped him off. I don’t know how I did it; it is all somewhat in a blur. Then I saw the doctor (again) and they referred me to a specialist. They basically told me that if this happens again, my gallbladder has to be removed because it can rupture. Yikes! “Then you would have like 30 minutes to live, Mrs. Henry. How did you even take this pain all night long”? “Yeah, don’t even ask,” I answered, while I held my right side and wiped away a tear or two. I know that this is not a sinus infection and that it will just pass; sort of like take some antibiotics, sleep it off, drink some tea and you will be fine. 

I am just going to keep moving forward; as I always do. That’s all I can do. I have to be strong and healthy for myself first and Petit Joel. We pretty much only have each other here. He knows and understands when I am feeling really bad. He feels it and does not move away from my side for one second. It is so cute! I dragged myself upstairs to the bathroom and he followed me, without saying anything. He followed me to the basement. He brings me a blanket and kisses me.  I know, wiping away another tear right now.  It was really that bad being on the magic couch with him and high fever while my body tried to fight the infection hard. But he was there. Someone was there. 

And then the pain stopped. Three days later. It was gone. Just as sudden as it came. So what can I do now? Hope that things will get better? Diet changes? Continue as I was doing and hope for the best? I have another appointment with a specialist next week, so I will see what he has to say. In the meantime I drastically changed my diet. That’s all I can do for now. And hope that each day gets better. I realized again, how important friends are in times like this. Like real friends, you know. Those you can count on; those who are there for you no matter what. Even at 2 am in the morning. Of course the gallbladder issue happened the day le husband left again; duh, go figure. 

Today, I just wanted to pop in and say hi and share what’s going on these days with me, myself and I. The semester is almost over and I am proofreading my final papers and working on the last one. Hopefully, I will have more energy to write again more often and I guess I will when I relax in Germany with my family soon before the new semester starts in January. As I mentioned, I will write an entire blog post on my new “forced” eating habits and hope I can have some cheese again soon. The doctor actually told me to even stay away from avocados. Well, what can I do. I guess a positive side effect is that I am losing weight? Not really though when it is due to sickness, so disregard. I am thinking about sharing my eating habits and my new diet and how this gallbladder madness progresses. On a side-note: I tried to have a bit of my favorite Roquefort cheese tonight and it did not turn out too well. :/ I should just listen to the doctor who told me to cut out ANY animal product for the next weeks. I am signing off. Miserable; however, pain-free. 

Daniela on the magic couch.