“So don’t let time and space confuse you. And don’t let name and form abuse you. In the light of the sun you can see how they run.” – Terry Callier, Ordinary Joe
This was the first week back to “normal” school for my son. On day one, I forgot to print the consent form that he can administer the Corona test himself. I figured that it is self-explanatory that he can take this test since I dropped him off in the morning. Wrong! Here in Austria, you need to return the consent form if you want your child to attend class but there is also the option that your kid is not tested. In this case, homeschooling it is. Do not get me wrong. I understand this virus exists and it is dangerous for some. But I do not understand some of the changes, restrains, rules and regulations anymore. Why are the restaurants still closed? Why can I travel on a packed subway every morning (with no social distancing possible) but I need a negative Corona test (which I need to pay for) to get a haircut? Last summer it was fine to just wear a mask or go eat at a restaurant with a mask when entering. Why does my seven-year-old son need to administer the test himself while the teacher cannot do it and I sign for all this? Oooooh, yeah, if something happens with their little noses or when they poke it all the way up their brain for fun to see what happens, it is my fault, I get it. Will the vaccine be mandatory soon? And if we decide not to get it, will we be being able to leave the country, eat at restaurants, or worse, be able to work anymore? Or will the lockdown be extended in Germany until December? But which year?
With this back and forth madness I want to give it all a little sarcastic twist so this knot in my chest loosens up a bit. I hope you are staying well throughout this pandemic! Enjoy this little Corona Quiz and then pick a school for your child.
How would you describe the homeschooling
experience for your family?
1. Streamlined and efficient, just a welcome break!
2. Reminiscent of scenes from Home Alone
3. Reminiscent of scenes from Contagion
4. A madness and I want to hang myself.
What is your favorite:
1. In-person learning, and constant fear
2. Hybrid learning, mixing constant fear with a bit of logistical chaos
3. Remote learning, marrying logistical chaos with devastating isolation
4. Moving to the outskirts and launching your own homeschool.
Pick One School For Your Child
“Normal” School:
If you have ever wondered how to combine pure hopelessness with the ambiance of Alcatraz in its prime, this option might be for you. Rest assured that your child’s teacher will suffer from crippling anxiety while seamlessly policing masked and self-tested children/students, overseeing a rigorous schedule of hand-washing, and ensuring that children remain confined to a two-meter distance at all times. Despite this, they do aim to create a robust learning environment where your child will also absorb the finer elements of sitting in place. They forgot during Lockdown 3298. Note that your child’s temperature will be taken every hour, and students will vacate the building approximately every 20 minutes for a thorough deep-cleaning with new, fast-tracked chemicals. Students must be tested for COVID at the first sign of illness; please return your child to us in six weeks or when results come back, whichever comes first. Stay quarantined with your child(ren). There will be no Karate, Basketball, or anything you initially signed your kid up for. They may go out for a walk a play a bit in the nearby park. FFP2 Masks made in China must be used even in the classroom while the windows are open. Kids may keep their coats, hats, and mittens on if they are cold. Also, don’t wonder why Austria cannot produce their own masks or why they need to order them from China.
Hybrid School:
This model will combine the key elements of in-person school (see above) with remote learning, which we hopefully perfected this spring or the latest in spring 2025. Your child will be divided into a group (A, B, AB, BC, CC, XVY, MCXLVII, and Depeche Mode) based on careful consideration of his or her learning style, social-emotional needs, friendships, and an algorithm our intern designed this summer. You will need a reliable Internet connection, a work schedule that follows no concrete pattern (or no work at all), a forgiving supervisor, independent wealth, or a Xanax prescription. You can contact the school nurse for the latter. But bring a negative Corona test. Not older than 48 hours.
Remote School:
I recognize that many families are naturally uncomfortable sending their child back to school given the virus’s uncertainty. Why this fear? Swine flu, the “normal flu” (that seems not to exist anymore) existed before and nobody ever spoke about it. If you felt sick you stayed home. If you had a fever you stayed home. No big deal. No testing required. And people died of the flu. As such, I have also designed a remote learning option in conjunction with an outside vendor who specializes in emailing non-working links to YouTube videos, as we realize that Google and Teams Classrooms posed technological challenges. Your child should expect to sit in front of a screen for roughly eight to ten hours per day, with allowances for quick movement breaks, meals, and the occasional primal scream.
Rest assured that no matter how you respond, it won’t matter whatsoever. We’ll come up with a completely different plan in consultation with an anonymous team of stakeholders, three renowned local astrologists, a haphazard compendium of tweets, and a seance that will be held over Zoom (please find the login and password on page 576 of the new Covid-19 law). We will also hold a listening session in ten minutes if anyone’s around. Expect a link to be emailed shortly; please check your spam.
Also, don’t question why people wear the mask while being alone in the car or while walking outside ALONE or even with someone. Wear that mask no matter what. It does not matter that nobody understands you anymore or you get dizzy. Stay tuned for unannounced overnight Covid “law” changes at all times. Then adapt. Let’s take this one day at a time and with a grain of sarcasm.
Stay sane. Stay healthy. And happy.
