Are you stressed? Worn out? Is this Corona insanity getting the best of you? Are you astonished by the enormous amount of mothers who have dropped out of homeschooling and mothering in the last year since the coronavirus lockdowns began? Do you have the urge to sign yourself into a mental institution? Yes? It sounds like you (and me) could use a restful vacation to cleanse your soul and replenish your (maternal) energy.
But, I don’t have that kind of time/money/negative Corona test, your monkey mind tells you. I have to go to scan my son’s online distance learning worksheets, make sure he isn’t playing Minecraft instead of being “in class”, and collate tomorrow’s math and reading assignment. Well, stress no more because I have news for you. All your troubles will drift away when you sit down in your adjustable, cushioned, hydraulic-motor massage chair at the furniture store XXXL Lutz in Vienna. Let your body recline and sink into the plush upholstery as you gently apply pressure to the electronic foot control, generating a soothing buzz that calms your nerves and drowns out the sound of your child arguing that he wants to sit in this chair.
What is he fighting and arguing over? It does not matter, because as your chair reclines even further, a sense of well-being permeates your entire body. Once the head-massage starts, you lose yourself in pleasure and banish whatever thoughts don’t serve you, including the knowledge that there will be another lockdown coming up and you forgot to buy food coloring and fruit and nuts for your child’s entire class. This is just the beginning of your indulgent journey, for soon, the massage chair is asking you a few simple questions about the setting you can choose from. Like the strength of the massage, the length, and the type. You don’t even have to exert the energy to speak, because you don’t need to. A couple of clicks on your massage chair screen and the setting is done.
If your child keeps talking to you just a grunt or a languid hand gesture is all you need to communicate, while the chair does its thing. Are you falling asleep yet? Is that a saliva dribble down your chin? No! Don’t wipe it away. This is your zone to relax, Queen. Just let it all go. This regenerating massage chair combines a unique combination of relaxation, and sensation to draw out toxins and enhance your state of bliss. Once the foot-massage starts, you won’t even notice anybody around you, which also means your child may have snuck either your iPad or iPhone out of your bag. This marks their fifth hour of screen time today. Hey, it is Saturday. Or isn’t it? It is still Jantembuary, the 59th.
Still, not being able to intervene in the massage cycle induces a profound sense of contentment and equanimity. You cannot do one single thing in this massage chair except sit, and enjoy the most relaxing feeling you have had in 365 days. Surrender to the now, for nothing exists inside this furniture store except you, and this 30-minute massage. As you begin to feel at one with the universe, heat, and music lull you into a space of total peace. You inhabit your body fully. You are embraced by stillness and serenity. You cannot even remember the events that seemed so stressful just an hour earlier when you tried to build the IKEA bookshelf “Leksvik” at home alone or when you threw everything out of the window to drive to a new furniture store to buy a better bookshelf. Your body sinks completely into the massage chair, which is doing all the heavy lifting for you, and you sure deserve this, lady. Well done for treating yourself!
Refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated, you hear your child sobbing next to you but remain motionless that extra 30 seconds before a salesperson approaches you to tell you about all the special features of this particular massage chair and reminds you that it is time to get up and out of it because others want to try it, too.
Recommendation: One treatment, once a week because no appointment or negative Covid-test necessary, and no costs unless you want to purchase this Mercedes among all massage chairs.
Price: 5299 Euro
Chances are pretty high that you will see me in that massage chair at XXXL Lutz on a Saturday afternoon. Bring coffee or white wine to make this an even better experience.
You are welcome.
