The older we get, the more baggage we carry. When I dated at twenty-five, I walked into the bar with a very neat, light carry-on. Inside you might find a couple of ex-boyfriends, a mild Oedipal complex or maybe even a slight fear of commitment. When I dated from thirty onwards, it is just natural to meet someone with a 250 kg of backpack absolutely brimming with history and children and houses that half belong to an ex; and dying parents and years of therapy and problems with addiction and jobs that take up all of their time and ex-partners they still have to see once a week because of a custody-battle. It can be daunting, serious, intense, grown-up and not very fun.
The older I get, the more baggage I carry, but the more honest, open and vulnerable I allow myself to be. In 2019, after my divorce, I officially declared it nearly impossible to meet a romantic partner in real life. But I also did not want to. Accepting this is crucial in realising I am not unapproachable or undesirable or doing anything wrong. I can acknowledge my bad patterns of behaviour in relationships. I can analyse how they developed. I can do the work to make sure I never behave like that again. But that is all I will ever be able to control. I cannot predict (or at least not all the time) how another person is going to behave in a relationship. I can risk-assess, I can be cautious, I can make sensible decisions about who I choose to trust and invite into my life and heart. But I cannot manage the unruly variable of another living, breathing being. To choose to love is to take a risk. Always. That’s why it is called falling in love. Head over heels sometimes.
It is so, so hard not to feel betrayal and let be put down by love and turn that into nihilism, scepticism or anger. But cynicism, while funny and self-protecting, is very easy. Finding trust, sustaining hope – that is the real artform. One of the hardest things about getting older and being in love is knowing when something is just reality and when it is too much hard work. Identifying what the quiet, joyful but often challenging sensation of long-time love is and identifying what’s just become a pain in the arse, is where I have to rally sharpen my instincts. After the divorce I promised myself to free up some space in my mind and schedule and see what life is like without being in a relationship. Being single and all the changes I have been through (moving to another country to name just one) made being single feel so peaceful, the thought of returning to the land of the loving started to feel impossible. Later, I realized that only shared interests are one of the most misguided considering factors when choosing a partner. Deciding that someone is a good person, or my soulmate, or made of exactly the same stuff as I simply because my partner and I both love to listen to Bob Dylan is ridiculous. Enjoying reading books and collecting them will not help me to weather the various unexpected storms of life together.
To me, a much underrated and incredibly simple considering factor when it comes to choosing a partner is how much love he can give. Since many of my friends are still with their partners and have at least one child, I have watched how they operate as couples. It became even more apparent the importance on how well we work as a team. I need to be really good friends with my partner to begin with. I am not wise when it comes to relationships but I believe I am never immune to romance. And lust is a silent disco. It allows me to dance and get lost in a song no one else can hear if I choose to. I try not to judge other people’s relationships and the way they conduct them. To each its own. Longterm romantic love is a feat. People should do it in the exact way that works for them, even if it doesn’t make sense to others on the outside.
Love should be about aligning my life with another person, not a place of make-believe. It should be a person I can escape to. Where I always feel good, am the star of the show and unquestioningly adored while giving all this back to my partner.
An old pro/con list of reason to have a partner. I found it in my online diary. Too funny.
Reasons to a have a partner:
- More likely to get a proper birthday cake
- Access to Amazon Prime
- Something to talk about
- Someone to speak to in the evening
- Sunday afternoons cuddles on the couch
- More sympathy when you do something really wrong at work
- Someone who touches my butt in the queue for anything
- Holidays together
- Reading together
- Sometimes I cannot manage a whole large pizza to myself
- Might have a car
- Might own an apartment/house
- Might have money so when there will be a huge wedding at a castle, all my female friends who will be invited can wear fancy hats
- Nice to make sandwiches or cook for someone other than myself
- Nice to think about someone other than yourself
- Regular sex isn’t that weird
- Warmer bed and cuddles
- Everyone else seems to have a partner, too
- If I have one, people will think I am lovable
- If I don’t have one, people will think I am shallow and dysfunctional
- The relief of not having to flirt with people
- Fear of dying alone, the void etc.
- Feeling whole with the right partner
Reasons not to have a partner:
- More laundry
- Debates/arguments
- They probably won’t like nightly mask-and nail polish rituals
- They definitely won’t like Dirty Dancing because they cannot dance like Johnny
- They might be in love with your dishwasher that you never use
- They might be cleaning freaks
- They might turn out as hoarders and collectors of weird stuff
- They might have crazy ideas like purchasing forty typewriters to then later sell but your apartment will turn into a storage unit
- They might leave tea bags all over the apartment
- Being told what you did the night before when you were drunk
- Having to watch any life or television sports
So, when you are looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, maybe just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you. It will hold you when you cry, celebrate when you are happy and sing with you when you are drunk. You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you for ever. Keep it as close to you as you can. And whenever your gut tells you, he is the one, hold on to this person and float away together.
