As a German, life in Austria is not always easy. You want to get to know Austria, especially Vienna, better? Bear with me because there are plenty of wonders in store. Naive as I was, I moved to Vienna expecting to be welcomed with open arms. “I speak the same language and we are neighbors. Germans love Austrians and love to travel to Austria to hike”, I thought. Far from it, as it turned out. After a rather sobering first couple of weeks harsh reality came in the form of a hot, black and bitter drink, known as coffee. Everyone knows what is meant by this. Everyone has the smell in their nose and the picture in their head. Well, except the Viennese. “I would like a coffee, please, “I said to the grumpy looking waiter at Café Ritter (Kaffeehaus) in front of me. “Of course you do”, he replied annoyed. Questioning glances were exchanged between us. “What does ‘Mohr im Hemd’ on the menu even mean”, I wondered. “What kind of coffee would you like?” he eventually asked me, followed by an endless list of coffee variations. Whereupon my face immediately took on the shape of a question mark: “What is happening to me? Well, just a normal black coffee, please.” The waiter rolled his eyes, snorted “Piefke” and shortly afterwards, I had a tiny espresso in front of me and a glass of water. As a German, living the Viennese dream of lingering in coffee houses is a quite difficult task, but with the understanding for Vienna, at some point also came the understanding of coffee. And somehow, since then, it also tastes different!
Some day I was standing in a line in front of a shop; because everything was taking so long, I started a conversation with the others who were waiting. With my accent, the Austrians in front of me noticed right away that I was German. At which another woman in line asked if I could please start a Piefke-insurgency to get things moving.
At the Würstelstand: Don’t ever order like this: “Guten Tag. Ein Würstchen bitte, ein Brötchen, und ein Bier. Haben Sie eine Tüte?” I was banned from the Würstelstand for three months.
Austrians cannot say “No”. I suggested an idea to an Austrian colleague, who says, “Interesting idea. Let’s look at this,” – but what he means is, “I am going to leave it on my desk and do nothing – at least not right away.” But I think I have got a go ahead, will make a to-do-list, and start setting up the files – while the Austrian was far from decisive, but didn’t wan to say “no” directly.
Austrians cannot accept “No”. At the museum: Museum guard tells an Austrian woman to please carry her backpack in front rather than on her back. The woman says, “okay”, puts the backpack in front and as soon as the guard leaves moves it back on her back rolling her eyes calling him an asshole.
Do not speak up anywhere. As a German, you are supposed to watch and see the dynamic and gradually find a place for yourself. And after a while, when you have been “accepted”, only then you can say what you have to say. This definitely takes longer than in Germany. Don’t ever give Austrians the feeling that Germans can get things done better, faster, more efficient, smarter, etc. You get the point.
Me at he bakery: “Two rolls, please.” I then heard the saleswomen ask, “Which two would you like?” I still hear that question sometimes to this day, and I think it is an incredible luxury to be able to choose exactly the two rolls, exactly the piece of bacon, exactly that plucked chicken that you want. Just as you can order 3 or 13 Dekas of salami as a topping for your roll. Or 150 Dekas ham while the saleswoman stares at me with her eyes wide open asking her colleague if there is more ham in the back. Then, the typcial eyeroll.
My first Heurigen (epic outdoor/indoor-wine-garden where you can eat and drink liters of wine) visit: Can you please tell me what all the items on the “Wurstplatte” are in German language. Huge mistake. But ask me where the best Heurigen are and I will let you know.
Austrian words that grind my gears:
- Ordination = Sprechstunde – visiting hours at a doctor’s office
- urgiert = dringend – urgent
- Schuach = Schuhe – shoes
- neich = neu – new
- es schneibt = es schneit – it is snowing
- es flankerlt = es schneit etwas – tiny snowflakes are coming down from the sky
Funny things to say:
- Eh’ = ??? – ???
- Na sicher = Sicher – Sure
- Geh’ bitte! = Echt? – ???
- Der futile Hawara pudert ois, was eam üban Weg rennt = Dieser Typ ist nur auf Sex aus und nutzt jede Gelegenheit, die sich bietet- This guy f***s everything
- Du bist a urndlicha Wappla = Du bist ein Idiot – You are an idiot
- Ur wichtig = Sehr wichtig. – Very important
- Schauts, die Heh’ is do = Die Polizei ist hier – The police is present
- A Kieberer is ka Hawara = Der Polizist ist kein Freund – The police officer is not your friend
- Heast, Gscheader, foa weida, des is a Strossn und ka Ocka! Heit bin i zu den Gscheadn ausse gfoan, Wein kaufen.” = Hören Sie, Landbewohner, fahren Sie weiter, dies it eine Strasse und kein Acker! Heute begab ich mich zu den Bauern, um Wein zu kaufen.” – I drove out of the city to buy some wine from a farmer
- Wos Sie da sogn, is a aufglegta Schas! = Sie reden gequirlte Scheisse! – You are talking bullshit.
- Ma, der Trottl geht ma om Zaga. = Der Idiot geth mir so auf den Wecker. – He is getting on my nerves)
- Vazupf di, owa schnö! = Geh weg, aber schnell. – Get lost immediately
Overall, and how to make your life easier in Austria, just be on time, speak German (at least try), be polite, get a Dirndl/Lederhose, enjoy coffee and cake (not Starbucks, go to a Kaffeehaus), ignore the Viennese attitude (many are very grumpy), listen to Falco, learn to drink white wine like a pro, call tomatoes “Paradeiser“, do not tell Austrians that they are like Germans, and end a conversation with Baba, Servus, but not Tschüss. Then you should be save.
