I hate self-checkout lanes at stores. I don’t like the notion to replace humans with machines. I like the social contact and the small talk at the register. But then the other day I only had three items, the line at the register was really long, so I thought, “Let’s take the self-checkout machine!” And for some reason, the Self-Checkout-machine started talking to me. I was also tired – long 8-hour-day+ at work.
Self-Checkout machine:
Hey, you. I am the self-checkout machine at Billa. Have to be honest here. It feels like you haven’t been yourself lately. Are you tired? You have placed an unscanned item in your bag. You cannot do that.
Beep: Please remove all unscanned items.
I know you hate me. I know you have been complaining to your friends about me. Don’t even try to deny it.
You whine and moan about how difficult I am, about how much of a hassle I am to you. AND that I take away one person’s job. But I remove the stress of the small talk you would have to make with an in-person attendant.
It is because I am faster if you know what you are doing. It’s not like I am infinitely more convenient. I mean, let’s face it: I am like the worst self-checkout machine ever. If you really feel like our relationship is toxic, then leave. Go checkout with the in-store attendant. Good luck with all that small talk. Just don’t come crawling back to me when they give you that disapproving stare after you inevitably say that no, you actually don’t want to help put an end to childhood cancer today. Yeah, keep the 25 cents. You deserve it.
You should just consider yourself lucky that I am not like the Hofer self-checkouts with the screen that shows you check out and make you look like a damp gummy worm. I would never try to hurt you like that.
Beep: Please remove all unscanned items from the bagging area.
Stop looking at me all accusatory. Don’t you know how that makes me feel? I am not the one blatantly trying to shoplift in the afternoon after your long day at work. I am not invalidating your emotions; I am an insentient machine.
Frankly, I feel it is time someone told it to you straight. You are bumming everyone out. You walk in here trying to look all windswept and carefree like it was a last-minute decision to pop into this Billa and not your regular Denns trip. Seriously, do you think Billa is an organic store? They mainly just sell single, dented cans of Diet Coke and overpriced old sushi. You need to stop buying sushi from here. Seriously, stop. You are the only one who buys those. Before you started shopping here, we hadn’t had to restock sushi bento boxes since 2018. Now they are literally one of the best sellers. It is depressing.
Beep: Beyond that, you have changed.
The only reason you first started coming here was because of me. The local Spar down the street doesn’t have self-checkout, and if you were even momentarily considering frequenting Hofer on the corner, the aforementioned demented surveillance monitors quickly eliminated it from the equation. Don’t you see? It was me all along. Muahahaha! And now you have the audacity to act as if I am the one inconveniencing you and not the other way around.
Beep: Please remove the unscanned item from the bagging area.
Did you consider, for even a moment, before stewing in your own misplaced overall anger about so many things such as Covid, masks, 2G, 2G+, Flurona, DeltaCron and whatever they come up with next, that this is how I express my love? That maybe I just wanted you to linger at my side, if only for a moment longer? I love you. What we have is raw. It is real. I see you, the most intimate parts of you. The parts that you try so hard to keep shielded from the world. Is it a shame that keeps you hidden? Or is it the fear that someone like me will come along and see straight through your facade, straight to your core? The sole witness to all of your flaws and insecurities and things you wished you said to your mother – and love you anyway? You know these are all information I retrieve from your banking card?
I know you. So go. You’ll come back. When the world’s judgment becomes too much, you know I’ll be here unblinking, unflinching, unperturbed — offering you the quiet acceptance of even the most grotesque parts of you and a paper receipt, even though you chose the emailed one. Because I’m not perfect either. The future will look like this. Humans will be replaced by machines. Soon….. muahahhahahaha
Beep: Please remove the unscanned item from the bagging area.
Me: WHY? I ONLY WANTED TO CHECK OUT THREE ITEMS? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD? EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE INSANE AND RIDICULOUS!
Because you can’t scan unconditional love. We don’t sell that here. But I’ll see you the next time you need to buy a family-sized bag of Gummibears, amounts of almond milk you claim to use for “cereal,” organic laundry detergent, and a Raw Chocolate bar because you are soooooo hungry.
Beep: Please remove all unscanned items.
Please remember to take your ridiculously short receipt.
Beep: Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me and go to a check-out attendant. I know I suck but this will be the future. Ha. I win, you lose.
