THAT IS IRRATIONAL! THAT IS STUPID! THEY ARE MAKING THINGS DIFFICULT FOR THE SAKE OF IT!
When I encounter emotions and behaviours that do not make sense to me, it is often because I do not have all the information. And in the absence of information, I tend to assume the worst. Have you heard about “emotional generosity”? This is the ability to see past behaviour that one does not understand and proactively look for compassionate ways to explain them. It is easy to do this for young children. If they start crying or throwing a tantrum, we wonder whether they are hungry, tired, or hurt. Sadly, it is harder to do this for adults. Well, not for me.
Here are some useful patterns that help me nurture more generous interpretations – and get to the root of the issue faster. Damn you, Coronavirus, I am throwing a tandrum at least twice on a daily basis. Below, I present a list of things that I discovered over many years:
- Overreaction is often driven by something else entirely. They shout and cry…. over an innocent mistake. Over something someone said. Something benign. Has this person lost it? Overreaction is often a sign that something else might be going on that I am not aware of. Perhaps I didn’t get enough sleep or recently had a fight with someone. Maybe something about the situation is triggering an unresolved trauma from childhood. When I notice someone overreacting, I broaden my focus and get curious about what else might be going on.
- Blame is Often Driven by Anger. They point the finger at their colleagues… but it’s their own targets they missed. Is this person blind to their own role in the situation? Blame is a way of venting anger. The brain has a knack for redirecting negative emotions outwards, often to the unfortunate people who happen to be closest. It’s a psychological trap that can prevent us from taking responsibility and holding others accountable. When you notice someone blaming others for their problems, help that person to label their underlying emotions. Some studies have shown that it takes about 90 seconds for negative emotions to dissipate — and often when the anger subsides, the arguments change too.
- Anxiety is Often Driven by A Lack of Visibility. They worry so much… that it makes everyone else worry too. Don’t they have faith in their team? Anxiety is a feeling of unease or nervousness, usually about a particular event or situation with an unknown outcome — and it can be contagious. My favourite quote about anxiety comes from tidying-up expert Marie Condo: Anxiety comes from not seeing the whole picture. This doesn’t just apply to messy wardrobes, it applies to the mind too. Thoughts can be hard to organise when they’re bouncing around your head, so many psychologists recommend writing your thoughts down. This makes them more tangible and easier to inspect and organise.
- Avoidance is Often Driven by Insecurity. They put it off or make light of it… but they know how important it is. Don’t they even care? I think, avoidance and anxiety are both ways of expressing insecurity. They’re so interconnected that one person’s avoidance can trigger another person’s anxiety — and vice versa. Avoidance is often a defence mechanism against painful feelings, such as the fear of failure or rejection.
- Criticism is Oftern Driven by Shame. They criticise other people’s work… even when it’s not really an issue. Do they get a kick from putting people down? They tell lies about others or invent things so a person does not get the desired position or promotion. In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown provides a useful insight: ‘Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking on folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.’ Once again, it’s easier to project negative self-talk onto others than deal with it head-on.
- Unrequested Advice is Often Driven by Regret. They tell others what to do… even when advice isn’t welcome. Aren’t these people just control freaks? Advice is sometimes regret in disguise. Perhaps a past experience has left them with a longing to have acted differently, and this is their chance to put things right and help you avoid the pain they felt.
- Mistrust is Often Driven by an Unspoken Expectation. They don’t trust their partner… even when they want to. Do these people just have relationship issues? Trust tends to break down when there’s an unspoken perception of the other side not taking responsibility for their behaviours. This perception turns into resentment, which eventually shows up as a lack of trust. And of course, when trust breaks down, so does communication.
- Doubt is Often Driven by a Lack of Clarity. They can’t make a call… even when they seem to have enough information. Are they incapable of making decisions? Doubt arises when outcomes are uncertain. However, in the modern world, if you’re waiting for certainty you’ll wait forever. Clarifying what matters can help others overcome paralysing doubt and make bolder decisions.
- Acts of Selflessness. Acts of selflessness may not seem like bad behaviours — and they aren’t necessarily. Working around the clock and sacrificing your own needs for others can seem like commitment and diligence. However, prolonged selflessness often masks a sense of unworthiness; if you believe you don’t deserve to have your own needs met, you focus on the needs of others instead. And eventually this can lead to resentment, fatigue, and burnout.
These ‘rules’ aren’t guaranteed to work in every situation, but they help me expand my ability to reinterpret bad behaviours with generosity. Ask yourself, ‘What else might be going on here?’ Then listen carefully and stay curious. At the same time, being generous doesn’t mean ‘taking one for the team’. If other people’s behaviours affect your wellbeing, it’s time to set some boundaries. After all, your emotions and behaviours are your responsibility.
Stay happy. Stay sane. Keep laughing.
