Is Parenting just Black or White?

Many of my friends told me when they found out that I am pregnant that they cannot picture me as a mother and gave my son a survival expectancy of approximately three months. “You might just forget him in a museum, bookstore, or at a public reading,” they joked (or didn’t they!?) I did not feel offended because I know my life before birth too well. There was a lot of fun, adventures and spontaneous activities. But guess what, you people who thought they know me so well: He is still alive, healthy, intelligent, and handsome. Ha! I guess I did something right. And I did it basically mostly alone. But ideally, there is mom and dad present most of the time. Or dad and dad. Or mom and mom. Everything is possible these days.

In my opinion, the secret to a good parenting partnership is for parents to play to their strengths. For instance, I am organised, diligent, loving, and caring (and sometimes angry). I am great at staying on top of all the responsibilities that come with raising a child. I schedule his activities, order his sports and outdoors equipment, keep notch with his teachers, and make sure he has clothes that fit. And while I am doing those things, my partner keeps my son entertained with watching Jules Vernes movies. Or David Attenborough documentaries on blue whales and their mating rituals. Did you know that the penis of a blue whale is 2,8m long and he ejaculates 1800 liters of sperm? Well, to impregnate a female whale he only needs 200 liters of sperm. Well, what happens to the remaining 1600 liters? I swallowed a lot of ocean water when I was a child. Okay, I think I got off on a tangent here. But seriously, who researches this kind of stuff? You think your job sucks? Well, go on an adventure with Sir David Attenborough to see the blue whales.

What I wanted to say before the whale thing popped in my head is that a loving partner also cooks for the child(ren), takes care of and listens to them. This is what partners do. Another thing that is crucial is to have sexual intercourse with your partner because you love her/him and you want this relationship to work. Again, to be in a healthy relationship, sex is normal. And not only once a month. You don’t have any of these things then maybe you should consider therapy, counselling, partner therapy or something in this department.

In a partnership, everybody is good at their own things. It is really hard to keep track of all those different activities, but in the end we have it both figured out. I don’t have a crazy spreadsheet with everything planned. No need for this. My mind, and his mind, do not work that way. Nobody needs to reinvent some wheel of parenting. There are not set rules that are carved in stone. Whenever you are with a partner who does it all and tells you all the time that you do it wrong (parenting, sex, cleaning, shopping, cooking….. whatever) eventually, you stop doing it altogether. Being with a partner like this does not even make sense.

A lot of this goes back to how we were raised. My parents placed a lot of value on conscientiousness and discouraged me from roughhousing (act in a violent manner). They made sure I stayed on top of my schoolwork, and took care of some household work. They preached responsibility. And I am good at all this. At least that I guess.

Guys, I am tired in the evening. Many hours at work mentally and physically drain me. By the time I leave work, run errands I need to run, and pick up my son from the after school activities I planned for him, I am exhausted. If your partner is not exhausted, then this is when a he/she should help to take a load off by prepping dinner, getting the groceries (or do it together), makes dinner (or together which is fun), set the table, and serves the food. This is so much easier.

After we watched a movie together or read a book my son, eight -years-old, gets himself ready to go to bed. Of course, supervision is needed, but nothing crazy. I don’t want to brag, as there is no black or white in parenting. I am just good at making forts, watching things, sledding, reading, playing video games, and running/bicycling around the woods. There are times we find the house a mess and then we clean it together and dust and vacuum our little hearts out. You know how all this works? We split up the responsibilities and that is what we are doing because we both live in this household. He sees when the dishwasher needs do be filled with dirty dishes or when things need to be cleaned.

Today, my son hurt himself playing outside. I doesn’t happen very often (knock on wood), but when it does, I am not the usual mom who helps with his “boo-boos”. The maternal instinct somewhat kicks in, and I will slowly walk towards him (but don’t run from whatever I am doing) to take care of him. Again, I am not a helicopter mom who does all this even if it means skipping the book club I have been so excited for because I read the book and have spent time to discuss it with my friends for the past months. That’s how deviated I am but I love him to death. Believe me.

My partner is like this, too. This is why we are a great team. And when the day is done for the little one (8p.m.), it is our time to play. And this is important and healthy. Remember that.