Hangover? Do you want to play a little game?
Riddle Number 1
There is a room with five chairs in it. Eight people are standing in the room. Some of them are Vampires.
Some of them are Normals. Vampires always lie. Normals always tell the truth. The room has three enormous windows in it, all facing west. It is six o’clock on an October evening.
Sunset may be seen through the westward windows. It is magnificent. (By the way, the Vampires have been awake all day. The sun does not kill them. They are not that kind of Vampires.)
The Vampires are very handsome and beautiful at the same time. They only tell handsome and beautiful lies. The Normals are wandering around the room, spreading rumours wherever they go.
There are two large bottles of inexpensive wine on the table, one of which is poisoned, one of which is not. Also, you are ruinously drunk.
Either a Vampire or a Normal touches your shoulder and suggests something that surprises you. It begins as a statement and ends as a question. Without feeling for fangs, and lying or telling the truth as you see fit, what three questions and two statements do you pose in order to determine whether you are standing or sitting down?
Hint: The wine is rosé.
Riddle Number 2
Combine the yolk of one egg with half a liter of soda. Add milk and vodka (warm) to taste. Rent Working Moms on Netflix and begin watching it. Drink the yolk/soda//milk/vodka combination while watching the first three episodes of Season 1 while rubbing your bare feet on the carpet.
Upon conclusion of the first three episodes, decide to take a shower, then change your mind. Prepare a box of instant mashed potatoes as directed. Add one whole bottle of Tabasco and the juice of one lemon. While mixing, remember high school until it becomes too painful to continue. While sucking on one ice cube, watch the rest of Season 1.
Sleep for ten hours.
Awake at sunset and suddenly realize: Everyone is standing, excluding yourself. Attempt to explain this to your husband or wife. Ask around to find out how you ended up on the bath mat and not in your bed.
So, you are done with the riddles. How do you feel? Now one final game.
The Name Game
Take the name of your pet as your first name and the name of the street you grew up on as your last name. That’s your Porn Star name.
Take the last name of the person you love as your last name. If you are a heterosexual woman, that’s your Oppressed by the Patriarchy name. If you are a heterosexual man, that’s your Sensitive New Age name. If you are a gay person of either gender, that’s an affirmation of your love.
Aim at your neighbour with a large club, then hit him over the head and take his wallet. Hide his body in the shed outside his house. The name on his credit cards? That’s your Fugitive from Justice name.
Take the kind of first name given to girls whose parents followed the Grateful Dead. Now take a patrician surname of English origin. That’s your Public Defender’s name.
Take a random six-digit number as your first name. Drop your last name. That’s your official Prison name.
Take an interjection used to call attention as your first name. Take the proper term of a female dog as your last name. That’s your unofficial Prison name.
Take the name you used back when everyone had walkmans. Boy, that takes you back, huh? That’s your You are Old name.
Imprisoned for not taking the vaccination shot? Take note of the name your cellmate whispers repeatedly in his sleep. That’s your Corona name.
Take a name from the list of most common names for babies in 1965 as your first name. Take a name chosen at random from the phone book as your last name. That’s your Witness Protection Program name.
Take your middle name as your first name. Take your mother’s maiden name as your last name. That’s your Romance Novel Name.
That should be sobered you up.
You are welcome.
