Dear Parents,
there are some great news about a new testing system called “Flow Flex Test” (this is actually a new thing at schools to test kids!) at schools and we hope you had a wonderful evening and are delighted to welcome you back to school as we celebrate a return to normalcy. We want to assure you that schools are open, safe, and operating completely as usual. However, we did want to make you aware of some policy changes to ensure a great learning environment for all!
Your child’s classroom will have no teacher. Understandably, many of our educators have been reluctant to return to school, with COVID cases and hospitalizations reaching an all-time high according to the experts and emergency rooms are on the brink of collapse. We want to reassure you that our approach is pedagogically sound and has been studied in-depth by our wonderful Department of Education over the past few weeks. We are eager to offer your child a timely learning opportunity. We promise.
Depending on the age and local funding, your child’s classroom will be staffed by:
- A small robot with lifelike emotions on loan from NASA
- YouTube and TikTok (please refer to our “Healthy Social Media Policy” on page 391 of the school handbook for an FAQ)
- Reruns of Teletubbies for 1st graders and Frozen 1+2 all day
- A local middle-school student who needs a job
This strategy will allow us to keep schools operational and enriching. Feel free to contact us with any specific questions.
Your child should report to school no matter what. Remember that kids really should be in school because, at this point, everyone will get COVID anyway. Moreover, due to the unavailability of test results on time and the fact that the nearest official PRC “free-yourself-from-quarantine” drive-thru is in Korneuburg (email us for more info), this is the most expedient route. Please follow these easy steps every morning:
1. Fill out a daily health questionnaire by 5 a.m. We understand that you will lie.
2. Please screen your child for COVID using an antigen test by 7 a.m. We recognize that at-home tests no longer exist except at pharmacies that are closed at this time. With this in mind, our school nurse has approved the use of a cotton swab or Q-tip with six droplets of vodka splashed onto an egg carton instead.
3. Once at school, regardless of testing status, if your child must cough, they are no longer allowed to do so into their elbow. Instead, they must just kind of swallow it into their throat until it goes away.
Be flexible. We recognize the burden that COVID has placed on our families. We wanted to take a moment to outline in detail our school cancellation policies clearly.
Your child will be sent home only if:
1. They have tested positive for COVID in the past thirty days, but only on a PCR test, which is impossible to find or afford, so please don’t worry about this possibility. You have enough on your mind as it is. If they wear this Pokemon hat below. It is the law, you have to understand.
2. Their class has more than one but fewer than four positive cases, in which case they can return the day after tomorrow, after 1 p.m., but only with proof of two antigen tests or one PCR test, as well as a fever of under 38 degrees Celcius, proof of which you can submit via App to an unknown Dropbox link that we will have up and running as soon as our assistant IT manager returns from the Intensive Care Unit.
3. There are no robots available to teach your child.
And remember: Per the Department of Education, you can send your child back to school even with symptoms and without the presence of a negative test, provided they spent three days playing Minecraft in isolation. Nintendo Switch is also an option.
Wear a mask! If you cannot locate a mask, please note that we will also accept knitted face coverings. (Check out upcoming virtual Community Education class “How to Design Your Own FFP2 Mask” for more on this technique, taught by a local retired art teacher.)
A few other odds and ends: Children will no longer eat lunch at school. Please feed them a hearty breakfast. We plan to conduct all classes outdoors unless temperatures drop below minus 20 degrees. Our staff psychologist has skimmed early studies concluding that frigid temperatures stimulate the firing of neurons and have been shown to accelerate brain growth in children. Please contact us to learn more about his new innovation, which we hope to continue even after the pandemic ends. Which will never happen anyway.
We do recognize that the pavement is cold, so please send your child with their own heated quilt, available only on Amazon for Euro 150.00. Mr B., the founder and owner of Amazon is a partner of the Department of Education and Health and he wants us to mention that his net income is approximately 200 Billion US Dollars but hey, who is counting. I am proud to say that our schools have partnered up with Mr B. who offers these quilts with our school logo. He will donate some of the money toward at-home antigen tests in April 2024 because currently, these are not valid.
Thank you for your understanding and patience during these reassuring times since everything has returned back not normal. We are happy to see your child(ren) in class soon!
Sincerely,
Your School District
