Sommer holidays are around the corner. Schools will be closed for nine weeks! NINE weeks. As I am generally quite fond of children, I am raising an eight-year-old, I reach my limits on certain days. We are approaching another long weekend but before he has a maths quiz which we studied for. After a while, he told me how much he doesn’t like me being his teacher. Likewise, I have to admit. It is not the amount of schoolwork, or that it is too difficult (he is in Grade 2) but that I simply do not have the nerves for it all sometimes.
Women around me have two or three kids or plan to get pregnant and I wonder why. I love my son but to get pregnant again and do it all over, no thanks. It is a lot of work. A LOT. And it is expensive. And this is a weird, crazy time to have babies. It is a weird time when it is not even certain if your child can go to school or if there will be another lockdown in fall.
Of course, until now prospective parents have not had the opportunity to see the facts spelt out in black and white and therefore cannot reasonably be held accountable for their actions. To this end, I have carefully set down all pertinent information in the fervent hope that it will result in a future populated by a more attractive array of children than I have thus far encountered.
My Pro & Con Kids List
Pro
You can use your kid as an excuse if you want to leave a party that sucks. Or any event, actually.
Life is never boring again. You are constantly bombarded with something new and different. Wait, this should actually be on the Con-list. Or shouldn’t it?
You can purchase toys that you want to play with pretending they are for your kids. LEGO!!! Kids books! T
Children are usually small in stature, which makes them quite useful for getting to those hard-to-reach places (to clean).
Children do not sit next to one in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes of a sad future in loud tones of voice. Well, they actually do, too.
Children ask better questions than adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and “What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where is your manuscript?” “Why haven’t you called?” and “Who is your lawyer?”
Children give life to the concept of immaturity.
Children make the most desirable opponents in Monopoly as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
It is still quite possible to stand in a throng of children without once detecting even the faintest whiff of an exciting, rugged after-shave or cologne.
Children sleep either alone or with small toy animals.
They are funny. Sometimes.
No need to pack too much for a camping trip for one week. They will brush their teeth once and wear the same pants, t-shirt and underwear for one week straight.
Con:
Children are usually filthy and sticky. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections. There will be trash everywhere. Your house will be a mess. Tiny humans surrounded by a cloud of dust.
Costs! Costs! Costs! for clothes, food, toys, school supply, you name it.
Picky eaters! This will make you cry at one point.
Tantrums! This, too! You will cry.
The endless questions and non-stop talking. Thousands of questions every day that you have to find answers to.
Children respond inadequately to sardonic humorous and veiled threats. Sometimes!
Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the colour of a recently slighted cement mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.
Children arise at an unseemly hour and are oftentimes in the habit of putting food on an empty stomach.
The whining and talking back at you. Enough said.
Do you still want to get pregnant? Long story short, if I would have read a list like this before having had my son, I would have still gotten pregnant. You know why? In my head, I would have done things differently than all the other parents anyway. My son would never be allowed to watch Peppa Pig at age two. My son would never get plastic toys, just wooden handcrafted Montessori stuff. My son would never eat candy. I would prepare all the organic food for him and not buy these squishy fruit things from the store. Yeah, right.
I look at my son now. He sits next to me, plays Zelda on his Nintendo Switch, has straight A’s in school, is smart and loves to read and write. I tell myself that I haven’t done such a bad job and pat myself on the back. He is a good kid who eats chocolate and wipes his sticky hands on his pants and says, “I love you, mom!” Be still my heart. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. Time flies and he will be grown up in no time. This time is precious even though it is tough and hard sometimes. But we cannot turn back time and we should just enjoy it while it lasts. Nevertheless, he will remain a single child because this works for me.
