.Everything I have Done to Impress Others or Myself (and How Successful Each was)*

*Just kidding. This is only a very small selection of the things I have done to impress others.

1. I learned how to camouflage and blend in. (Successful)
2. I learned how to play the game. (Successful)
3. I learned to hit a baseball. (Successful and unsuccessful because it didn’t get me the date I wanted in 2006 in New York)
4. Got into country music for two years, including buying tickets for a country music concert. (Very successful, but sad because I hate Country music)
5. Took an additional statistics class instead of calculus because more hot guys were taking it. (Incredibly unsuccessful, except that statistics class was where I created my Instagram, which in a way led to later romantic success, so kind of a long-game success situation)
6. Got really good at beer pong in my teens. (Successful: I am still above average at the game so challenge accepted, but sad because I mean c’mon…. beer pong? Really?)
7. Opened up two bottles of wine with fabric scissors. (Very unsuccessful in every sense of the word)
8. Ate a weed gummy bear that turned out to be 70 mg – which, if you aren’t familiar with weed, is way too much; 10mg is like a normal dose for normal folks, I have heard, of course. I threw up next to a church and marched (like in marched march!) 6 km home because I thought the police were watching me and they would be less suspicious if I was marching. (Not at all successful. One of the worst experiences of my life).
9. Cooked quinoa. (Turns out that the nutty flavor of this pseudo-cereal is not the way to a guy’s heart. At least I got some fiber.)
10. Chopped down a tree. (Successful)
11. Got really involved into gardening and nature. (Successful)
12. Watched three Stars Wars episodes (4,5,6) (Successful).
13. Learned all the lyrics to a Johnny Hallyday song in French (Successful in that I did learn the words, unsuccessful in that…. why the f*** would anybody care about that?)
14. Learned not to put twelve tomato plants in one side of a raised bed because it is too much (Successful this year)
15. Build a Polhus Sauna Jussi from scratch. Honestly, I thought I have seen it all when it comes to building things. Especially, IKEA furniture and their bookshelf LEKSFIK. I can build this thing with my eyes closed and all alone, even though it shows two little guys on the instruction pamphlet. The sauna, however, was a little bit more challenging. Challenging to the point that I wanted to burn the entire thing down. Okay, my dad built the sauna, Lina. (Successful)
16. Purchased the book All the Shah’s Men as an ebook because a guy I was texting with for over a month recommended it to me, but never read it becuase I find it very difficult to read ebooks. (Unsuccessful. He stood me up on our eventual date to meet in person. Coward.)
17. Jumped into the ocean full of turtles in Martinique. (Successful).
18. Learned how to make bread. (Successful)
19. Worked out every day. (Unsuccessful and I still cannot do five pull-ups).
20. Read Anna Karenina (Unsuccessful. Hated the book. Didn’t finish it.)
21. Tried to talk less. (Unsuccessful both in my attempt and impressing others. It turns out that if I am quiet people think I am sick).
22. Working on my fifth book which should come out in July/August 2022. (Successful so far)
23. Rocked through Covid once in 2021 (Successful) and in 2022 …. still struggling a bit (Still successful)
24. Signed myself up for a week of fasting and Yoga at a retreat in Austria in April. Should I smuggle in a bootle of wine and some ham? My mom says No! (It will be successful and I cannot wait)
25. Learned how to teach my son 2. Grade Math, German, and we added English (3/4th Grade) because we are quite bored at home. He asked me today, “Mom, can I please go back to school? I am exhausted with you as a teacher!” (VERY successful!)
26. Read seven! books in one week of quarantine. (Successful)
27. Made pancakes with a fever for my son. (He ate them all, I didn’t , so still successful)
28. Actually, made so many things for my son while being sick. Sometimes I don’t know where I get the strength from. (Successful, strong mom)
29. Realised that it is not funny so scream “Corona” when somebody is sneezing while I am down with the Covid. (Unsuccessful, but I will continue doing it when I am back at work, obviously)
30. I told a friend who believed that female sanitary pads went on with the sticky side up – stuck to the vagina for god’s sake – that this is NOT the case and that women use those in a different way. When I reminded him that some women may have hair down there, which would be ripped out with each pad usage, he answered, “Yeah, that’s why I thought periods were so bad.” Let’s worry more what men’s brain space is up to, okay? (Successful, I think. At least I saved one man!)
31. Imagine going to bed in 2019 and waking up in March 2022 and being told what happened in the mean time. A virus will hit the world, where you will find people alone in their cars with a mask on, and this will be normal. You will be terrified to leave further than 2k from your house. You will become your child’s schoolteacher for months as well as their hairdresser. There is a war taking place. Twenty Euro fuel in your car will get you from your front door to the end of your driveway. (Successful)