Employees:
Now that we are all finally starting to return to the office, I just thought it would be helpful to remind everyone again of the rules we had and have in place for keeping food in our shared refrigerator. Please follow these guidelines to help ensure the fridge remains a sanitary and healthy space for everyone who works here:
- I will throw out everything in the fridge each Friday by 6 p.m. If you don’t want your leftovers to end up in the trash, TAKE THEM HOME!
- Do NOT eat any food that isn’t yours, whether it’s a mostly full container of pad thai or a mysterious glowing paper bag that has been in the back of the fridge two weeks ago. If you see someone else’s name on it, leave it alone. If you don’t see someone else’s name on it but know it isn’t yours, leave it alone. If the glowing seems to be getting more ominously radiant as your flesh inches closer and closer toward the bag, definitely leave it alone.
- If you accidentally eat someone else’s food, just own up to it. Do not pretend that you brought in the same meal or try to blame it on the glowing bag, as that generally just seems to make it angrier. Daniel was the last person to try that, and we never saw him again.
- No, Daniel was not fired. We honestly have no idea where he went and am pretty worried.
- If you see something in the fridge with a note on it that says FOR ANYONE, I guess you’re technically allowed to eat it, but keep in mind that this may just be the glowing bag trying to trick you into consuming something for sinister purposes. I am pretty sure it gained the ability to write while we were all working from home and is using this skill to foster a false sense of trust among our employees.
- I know the fridge gets crowded, but try to keep your food away from other people’s food—especially if it contains peanuts or fish—and at least ten centimeter away from the glowing bag. Sarah hasn’t been quite the same and is suddenly fluent in Arabic since she left her salad right next to it all weekend. This is one of the reasons why I instituted the “food gets thrown out on Friday” rule, just FYI. That, and the smell was attracting flies.
- The glowing bag is exempt from that “food gets thrown out on Friday” rule, in case you didn’t already assume that. The last cleaning lady who tried to throw it away vanished soon after, and now the temperature instantly drops by twenty degrees whenever I say her name.
- Yes, I assume she and Daniel are in the same place. I just don’t know where that place is.
- I really don’t like to ask about our employees’ religious beliefs, but I will say that one time a certain colleague put some sacramental wine in the fridge, and everything except the paper bag was covered in blood three minutes later. It totally spoiled the piece of pumpkin pie I had been looking forward to all day, so please don’t bring in any sacramental food items.
- Make sure to always shut the fridge door completely. Leaving it open even just a crack could cause the food to spoil and allow the essence inside the glowing bag to escape its current confines and spread to all other parts of the office.
- Do not adjust the temperature settings. I have confirmed with a sustainability expert and an exorcist that the fridge’s current temperature is optimized to be environmentally friendly and ward off evil spirits. Any adjustment could put both of those things at risk.
- Clean up all spills immediately, unless the spill comes from the glowing bag, in which case flee the office immediately.
- If you open the bag, you are subject to immediate termination. But you should let us know what’s in it before you leave. I’ve always assumed it was a demon, but Eva is convinced it’s just some really old egg salad.
Sincerely,
Jay, your beloved supervisor
P.S.: Print these rules and stick them to the fridge in your office. This is mandatory.
