.Jesus’s Diary.

Enough with the eggs already! No more chocolate-egg eating! My house is stuffed with chocolate eggs. The church bells next door are ringing again every fifteen minutes so everything is back to normal but there is so much more church stuff going on. My son’s communion is approaching and I have been reading along with him in his church studies. Interesting, I guess. I also learned about old traditions in the village regarding church ceremonies at 5 a.m., kids who walk around and make noise with “Ratschn” (something loud and weird) to remind people to pray. I am telling you, I am a Jesus pro by now from the last three days alone. So, I wonder what Jesus must have thought and done during his last three days on this planet. Maybe he wrote a mental diary. Maybe something like this:

Day 1

Good Friday, you ask? Not great. Died today. Very painful. Do not recommend it. Saw Dad briefly and brought it up first thing. “All-powerful and You couldn’t have made it, I don’t know, smothered by puppies? No, it had to be nailed to a cross.”

“Trust Me,” He said, “the merchandising.”

Then He told me He was sending me back.

“So we’re really doing that?” I asked.

“We’re going to blow their minds.”

But wait: First He said I had to hide out for three days so people would believe I was genuinely dead. I was nailed to a tree and left to agonize in the sun for hours; I think they’ll figure it out.

“So I come back,” I said, “and then I just go on with my life? Because dying really makes you think, you know? And I’ve been seriously neglecting my carpentry.”

“No, you’re only alive again for a few weeks.”

“Oh.”

“But then you come back again in two thousand years or so. Maybe.”

I just don’t get Him.

Anyway, woke up here in this tomb. Pitch black. Luckily, I have this heavenly aura going on now, kind of like Mom had, so I can see a bit. Found a blank scroll and a pot of ink. At least I hope it’s ink. The glow is only so-so and I’m afraid to look too closely.

Not going to lie, good to have some alone time. Disciples, disciples, disciples. Always with the questions. “Is it me, Lord?” “When will these things be?” “Is this really the last supper? Thinking about hummus. But why?

Might take advantage of the peace and quiet to work on some new parables. Parable of the Pitless Olive. Parable of the Fasting and the Furious. I wonder if anyone would be interested in these in book format?

Signing off for today. Fingers starting to cramp up, what with the hole in my hand and all. Thanks again, DAD!

Day 2

So BOOOOORED!!! If only there were a corpse in this tomb I could raise from the dead. At least we could play Sin or No Sin or something.

This wound in my side is not looking good at all!

And surely Dad could have thought ahead to provide some snacks.

Getting nowhere with the parables. The Parable of the Creepy Tomb. The Parable of the Overbearing Dad Who Keeps Me in the Dark (Literally and Figuratively).

Still thinking about hummus. I tell myself to stop thinking about hummus, but then all I can think about is that I’m not thinking about hummus. Considered performing the Miracle of the Ink into Hummus but still not sure what I’m writing with. It has a kind of smell… Then again, that could be my wound.

Hard to focus. My mind beginning to wander.

The boys know that whole body/blood thing was a metaphor, right? That must have sounded crazy! I should clear that up when I get out of here.

There was a pretty good turnout for my crucifixion, though, I have to admit.

Ugh, how much longer!

Maybe if I sing some songs. Some hymns. That’s a funny word. Hymn. Hymn. Hymn…

Day 3

Rolled the rock away this morning. I mean, it’s the third day, right? Technically I’ve only been stuck in here for two full days – Saturday makes one complete day, and today is two days – but if you count Friday as day one, Saturday day two, this is the third day. Three days. I’ve done three days. Or maybe two. I don’t care, I can’t take it anymore.

Stepped outside. Kind of expected a crowd but found only two shiny dudes in white standing there. “You Dad’s guys?” I asked. They nodded. Couldn’t even be bothered to show up Himself. Typical.

“Listen, if anyone comes looking for me, tell them I went to take a bath.”

Then I wandered off. Pretty forgettable morning, really.

Am no longer craving hummus. Suddenly want chocolate eggs.