Do you own a car? Do you have kids? Do you like road trips? Do you want a car that does not look like a nuclear meltdown after your kid(s) get out? Then please read on.
Multitasking is hard enough on its own but eating while driving is in a whole different league. The same insane league as driving while your kid(s) are hungry and need to eat. A sticky league. A crumbly league. Lucky for you, I have a son who loves car rides, is also hungry all the time and wants to eat in the car so I am an expert on car eating advice for kids and adults alike. I am not a “BMW-driver-who-does-not-let-anybody-eat-anything-in-my-car-because-the-car-is-so-fucking-fancy-expensive-and-designed-with-leather-interior-that-cost-an-extra-4000 euro”- person and my child is allowed to eat in the car. Because I eat in the car. While driving. Not spaghetti-seafood-lasagna previously preheated in the microwave before we leave the house, but a chocolate croissant is definitely a possibility.
Also lucky for you, I (either driver or in the passenger seat) will answer some questions my son has about eating food in the car. And there are lots of them.
How far should the passenger go in helping the driver eat?
It’s never too far to feed the driver, especially when there are nuggets in need of a dip in honey mustard. As the passenger, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep both those hands on the wheel. Another nugget? Feeding suggestions: Gummi bears, an apple, sausages, and a sandwich.
Is it okay to spit my cherry pits out the window?
Depends which direction the wind is blowing, but why not spit them into an old plastic cup like it’s a spittoon and you’re a hardened brothel madam who’s seen things she can’t unsee? That’s my go-to persona when eating cherries. Then dump the pit cup in the garbage at the gas station—they take forever to decompose.
Am I the only one eating sushi with chopsticks?
You’re not! It’s compact and bite-size, and the soy sauce splatter blends perfectly with synthetic leather interiors.
Is it acceptable to peel and eat hard-boiled eggs?
No. Danger. Peel the egg before you go and eat it then too so you can sprinkle fresh salt on every bite. I love car food, but sometimes I wonder if our delusions of efficiency begin to cloud the simple joys of reality. Eat that cold, wobbly egg like you should, over the kitchen sink. You don’t always have to multitask.
When eating in the car, what’s your table: the passenger seat, the dashboard, or the center console?
What kind of roast chicken feast are you eating in your vehicle? Your LAP is the table, my friend, so get to work on those quads, they’ve got a burrito bowl to uphold. If you must get elaborate, let’s buy a 12 Euro steering wheel desk on Amazon. They’re practical and a little depressing, like the job that requires you to eat in your car. Use while parked only.
Is there a food category we need to ban from the car?
There’s something about chips dust, and intact Cheerios about to be crushed into dust, that makes me feel they should be banned. But apparently, kids must eat to stay alive, so that ban is going nowhere fast. Like me behind the wheel.
What to do about car crumbs?
I have floor mats in the car. My car is always coated in something. I say let the crumbs fly, and when the need arises, just hose down everything.
Taxi drivers frown upon eating while riding. But what if I get really hungry?
Usually, no snackin’ in the cab. I once asked my cab driver in New York, Myles (no joke), whether I could eat in his car and the next thing I knew, he was divulging one of his darkest secrets: a curiosity for the taste of human flesh. Suddenly, the restaurant he took me to and where I was eating the food was harder to swallow than usual.
So, overall, avoid MESSY, SLIMY, AND SMELLY, FOOD in the car.
What are the best snacks that create the least mess? (everything MUST be in a Tupperware container!)
- Cereal bars
- Sliced carrots, and cucumbers.
- Presliced apples but NEVER raspberries
- Fruit & Go Squeezers (though other issues may arise)
- Grapes
- Apples
- Swedish Fish/non-sour gummies
- Pretzels
- Cheese Sandwich
This will get you and your child(ren) safe from A to B without you losing your f***ing mind. Do you need more?
Read my article on smelly food on the subway.
