.Women 101.*

*I know you have been waiting for this one.

Women are intricate creatures. I get it. But, learning how to read a woman does not have to be rocket science. Let’s break it down, shall we? You want to understand the complex layers of a woman? You want to understand how to read a woman? I am going to tell you, because SURPRISE: I am a woman.

Speaking of a woman, and on behalf of women, I can safely say women are intense. We have a wide spread of emotions, layers, and intricacies that make us who we are. But we aren’t alone in this, men are unique all on their own as well. Men are just as hard to read some days, but that is not why you are here, is it?

The importance of knowing how to read a woman

Well, first of all, there is a fair chance you might end up dating one of them. Maybe you never will, in which case, this is still important because you will deal with women for the rest of your life (aren’t you lucky!) Your mother, your sister, your friends, your boss, your coworker – the list of women in your life is infinite.

Since they are all around you, it is vital that you understand the inner workings of a woman.

Why men find it so difficult to read a woman

Well, I will be the first to admit it- women are difficult. Just in general. We never know what we want to eat for dinner, where we want to go, or what movie we want to watch. We are incredibly indecisive as a gender, and I don’t think that is ever going to change. We say one thing, and we really mean another thing, and as women – we get it. Sometimes we fail to remember that perhaps our male counterparts don’t understand our secret lingo or mixed messages. Sorry, guys.

The secret is out: How to read a woman

Since I am speaking on behalf of all women out there (Oh, my goodness who gave me this much power, and why?!), I am going to do the world a favour, and explain our method. As my fourth-grade math teacher used to say, “There is a method to my madness.”

Okay, so sometimes there really is no method, and we are just going in blind. But oftentimes, we know what we are doing, okay? At least we think we know what we are doing. The following is a list of things we say and do, and what they actually mean.

1. Silence isn’t always golden. If we are being quiet, there is a reason for it. We like to chat, even though we may say otherwise. Perhaps we ignore you because you did something offensive or just ignorant. Think about your actions in the past few days, even if it seems small, I can guarantee there is a deeper meaning for us.
2. “I don’t want to talk about it” is false. Like I just said, we like to chat. We almost always want to talk about it, even if we say otherwise. It might be incredibly painful to talk about, but deep down we really do want to talk about it and get it out in the open. But be careful here: Don’t pry. Just sit with us and wait. Be patient, because it might take a while to build the courage to actually express how we are feeling. Reassuring us that you are there to listen, whenever we are ready to talk, really goes a long way.
3. Sometimes yes means no and no means yes. Good luck with that one. We don’t know the answer either.
4. Eyes on the prize. If we are staring into your eyes during conversation, take the hint. It means we are interested in you, at least on some level. If we are just starting to get to know each other and have intimate conversations, pay attention to where her eyes land. If we are staring at everything but your eyes, then we might be interested in something else. But if we stare at your body *up and down, and side to side*, and seem uninterested in the topic at hand, we might be interested in your body and not your intellect. Decide where you want this relationship to go from here.
5. Not everything is actually funny. I’m not entirely sure why we do this, but it’s 100% fact. If you want to know how to read a woman, you need to remember that we’ve been programmed to laugh at people that we are attracted to, even if they really aren’t funny. If we laugh at everything you say, then we are into you, dude.
6. A gentle graze might mean something more. If you are walking together or working on something together and we make efforts to casually touch you, we might be testing the waters to see if there is a spark. You might not even notice that this is happening, but pay close attention from now on, because a lot of times it means something more than what it appears on the surface.
7. Compliment, compliment, compliment. This is what women do, even if we are just trying to make friends with somebody, we will find something to compliment them. When dealing with other women that we meet for the first time, we try to compliment them on their clothing or hair/makeup. It’s an easy in, and it works for romantic partners too. We might say “You have such nice curls” or “You’re really passionate about what you do, I admire that.” Pay close attention to the way we say these things as well.
8. Sugar and spice. To clarify my last point, women often try to come off as sweet and gentle when trying to attract a mate *wow, that sounded like something you would hear on National Geographics with Sir David Attenborough*. Our tone of voice around you may become lighter and more kind because as women we want to appear nurturing and sweet. I’m not sure why, but it seems to work. Every time.
9. Asking questions. Does she ask intimate questions about your childhood or personal life? If she seems genuinely interested in you, she probably is. Don’t second guess it.
10. Domestic as fuck. Again, it’s just in our nature to be domestic. So, if we bake you cookies or do something “housewifey” take the dang hint. We want you to know that we are wife material, and are worth pursuing. Give us a shot.
11. “How do I look” is a loaded question. No matter what, if we ask you “how do I look” respond with “like a supermodel” or something to that effect. No woman ever wants to hear that she looks bad, okay? Throw sugar on that pile of gorgeous woman you have, no matter what. “Do these pants make me look big?” is a tricky one. “No honey”, is a good start.
12. Emojies mean everything. Listen, real talk about how to read a woman that you can never ignore: If a woman sends you emojis, that means something. If she takes the time to send them, it means she actually cares about your conversation and wants to be cute by sending emojis. Emojis are everything. What the different colour emoji hearts mean will be explained in my next blog post. And yes, they do mean something. Honestly, you cannot tell me you don’t know this?
13. The weather. “Damn Daniela, I cannot control the weather!” WRONG sentence. When it is cold, don’t pull a Rocky or Rambo. If a woman says she is cold, it means she wants your jacket, or she wants to be held. C’mon guys, this one is a dead giveaway.

It may be challenging to learn how to read a woman, but once you begin to open your mind and think like a woman, it all becomes a little bit easier. Get creative. You will master the art of WOMAN in no time. Otherwise, again, good luck.