JOB TITLE: Several positions.
JOB DESCRIPTION: To be a possible candidate, you’ll have to spend 97% of your mental and emotional energy making yourself small enough to not be a burden. You may spend the other 3% of your energy cherishing dreams of a better world or workplace, but we ask that you maintain a professional demeanour and keep them to yourself.
The right candidate will have a winning smile, the kind of smile that doesn’t die, even a little bit, even if he/she/them/they hasn’t/haven’t found a reason to genuinely smile since arriving in the morning.
The right candidate will have the patience of Mother Theresa and the fortitude of a Tibetan monk when paper gets jammed for the hundredth time in the piece of shit printer (no colour except on the executive floors) on which we spent two thousand euros.
The right candidate will never let on that anything in their personal life is impeding work because the right candidate will understand that this job is the most important thing that has ever happened to them.
The right candidate is strongly encouraged to attend every meeting, company picnic, party, company happy hour on Fridays, and ice cream family event with a big smile on their face, even and especially if those events are during the weekend. If the candidate shows poor attendance to these it will negatively reflect upon their annual review.
The right candidate will find the phrase, “you don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps” funny, even after they hear their supervisor says it numerous times.
The right candidate must be well dressed and follow the organization’s guidelines on dress code. Women can dress attractive, but not in a threatening way. No red nail polish or red lipstick.
The right candidate will find every coworker who holds the title of “Director” charming, funny, handsome to a degree, and worthy of her time. Likewise, they will shower any coworker who holds a supervisory position with a level of respect not dissimilar to envy, admiration and awe. Even if you have two Master’s degrees and you won’t get promoted (like ever) the right candidate is fine with it.
The right candidate will not get pregnant. The right candidate, in fact, would be better suited to the role if she were unable to become pregnant but if it does happen it is fine as well. Actually, since the gender policy is very important to us, we will accommodate any pregnancy.
The right candidate will not complain.
The right candidate will not be sick. To call “sick” looks bad so don’t do it.
The right candidate won’t use “personal days off”. The right candidate won’t use “family emergency days off”.
The right candidate (for specialized departments only) will know martial arts in the unlikely event of an active shooter situation. A rudimentary knowledge of disarming an aggressor with a firearm is preferred but not required. (We cannot pay for martial arts classes but offer an excellent wellness program that includes acupuncture for you and a free health screening from a Chinese medicine “expert”.) There will be a fitness test where the candidate needs to hang on a rope for two hours.
The right candidate must have simple written and verbal communication skills. Their skills need not be “mad” in this field, but sufficient enough to say good morning or write your name. Analytical skills are an asset.
The right candidate will find fulfilment in everyday tasks and will, in general, be the kind of person who doesn’t aspire to more in life apart from what they already have.
The right candidate will be available on short notice to work overtime even after two or three hours of sleep only. It looks bad to decline overtime.
The right candidate will be available for missions, conferences, and short other assignments on very short notice.
The right candidate will have no serious outside interests. Running is OK. If you have kids, have a nanny on speed dial because as mentioned above, work is priority number one for you.
The right candidate will not have high expectations regarding the functions of our HR department. Especially when it comes to salary, harassment, part-time option, worker’s comp, maternity leave, health benefits, time off, or basic listening skills.
The right candidate (for the management position only) must wear high heels at all times, even if it leads to discomfort or injury.
The right candidate for the secretary position must be able to carry heavy boxes, open boxes with knives, deliver hot lunches to conference rooms, and calmly usher more important people out in the unlikely event of a shooting. Also, must be able to answer many phone calls and write the occasional email.
The right candidate will not be overheard speaking unpleasantly to supervisors, even when they are rude and tell them they are stupid, useless, sounds dumb, sounds unlovable, that this is not a good idea, that we don’t want change since this system worked fine, and that promotions undergo a transparent process and fair process, etc.
The right candidate will have completed all the mandatory online courses before the job interview. Especially, the ones on racism and gender.
The right candidate will not, ever, under any circumstances, cry.
Further, a strong candidate must:
- Be physically fit but, you know, not scary thin (#bodypositive)
- Don’t be fat. There will be a fitness test newly implemented
- Be amusing but not actually funny (everyone knows there’s no such thing as a funny coworker)
- Smart enough to understand when and how to agree with management, but not overbearingly intelligent (as in, to the point that you might disagree with management)
- Emotionally vulnerable to the extent that you cry at weddings, but never for anything that actually relates to your life (because let’s face it, then you’re probably being too sensitive)
- Be able to express dissatisfaction, but only in a nice way, and only if you make it clear that your anger is never directed at anybody specific. No one likes a nag.
These job requirements can and will change at a moment’s notice. Luckily, an entire subculture of Internet trolls exists to let you (and us!) know when you’re not doing a good job at the application. Essentially, you will need to be endlessly nurturing, understanding, competent, and selfless, but like, be casual about it.
NOTE: Female candidates are always preferred. Transwomen/men as well. And any person of colour and race.
PAY: Depends on prior experience, and salary history, but definitely a good salary. Possibility to work overtime to the point that you won’t see your family and friends again.
CONTACT: We ask that interested candidates send in their résumés, headshots, and thoughtful cover letters about why they’re not like other (potential) candidates. We’ll get back to you in a timely manner (by “timely” we mean “when it is not an inconvenience to us”).
FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: No follow-up calls, please. Don’t be so needy.
