So, I have done it again. My new book is in the making and will hopefully be published in August 2023. Fingers crossed. It gets more and more difficult to pass the proofreading requirements of diverse publishers so nobody gets offended. If you read my articles for a while or know me you will be aware of “my mouth” and that I love to speak up and point my finger at things that sometimes hurt. Even if it may be wiser to shut up?! Thankfully, I am good with words to still get across what I want to say, ha! So what is my new book about and what is the title you may ask?
The title: I was told there would be Cake. Essays.
Cool! And what is it about? It is a good book. Probably my best one. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is designed to offend no one. It does not mention war, sex, politics, depression, alcohol, violence, scantily dressed women (any mentions of women, really), smelly fish, hungry caterpillars, or drugs, except for the addictive power of prayer.
There is absolutely no pronoun ideology in this book. This is a sample sentence:
Daniela White is going to the park because the father of Daniela White is there. Daniela White and the mother of Daniela White are biologically women.
Big words? Not in here. This book operates on the understanding that education is hard and painful.
This book does not mention homosexuality or anything that could be construed as “queer.” There are no rainbows. The only colour allowed is a neutral grey.
I’m sorry—one publisher just informed me that grey is the colour of asexuality, and so the only colour now allowed is blank.
What colour is blank? It’s a beautiful cousin of eggshell white.
There are no strange or foreign-sounding names in this book. In fact, all the characters have good Christian names with clear and established Western European etymologies. They can be pronounced by anyone.
There are no opinions in this book. Only facts, like the sky is blue.
Daniela White is only interested in interacting with reality, which is what we call it when one woman follows all the rules laid out by her benevolent boss. This is a sample sentence:
Daniela White looked at an email sent out about how to address characters in her new book and says, “Hooray, this is so much fun. Let me rewrite everything because I forgot the pronoun and gender issue. But, Hooray!”
My book was crafted to live within any library and bookstore in the world. It was written so that it appeals and satisfies every single reader on this planet and no one gets offended. All additional explanations were clearly listed in the authors’ biography section, which I had removed just in case. In my book, no one leads children astray by the power of pink dresses for girls or blue t-shirts for boys, and everyone washes their hands after they pee without being reminded one million times a day. This book has no rising action or any kind of climax. There are no villains or anything morally grey—sorry, I mean morally eggshell. There are no character arcs or anything as pretentious as a plot.
This book has no illustrations. No headings. No fonts that might be too curvaceous or aggressive. No periods because that’s basically an abortion. No spaces because they might be unsafe. No underlining because it implies toplining, which implies a top and therefore implies a bottom—both of which are known to be gay directions.
There are no analogies in this book. No symbolism or any other kind of radical left or right ideology. Nobody majors in humanities, and gender studies. There are no metaphors like butterflies or uncaged birds.
No commas, parentheses, dashes, participles, gerunds, subjects, or split infinitives, as the only person who can split anything is Moses, are used.
What this book does have is a sturdy cover and pages filled with neutral abstract art generated in a tasteful colour of pale alabaster. It was formulated to match the words, which are printed in cream, blending in seamlessly with the background of blank.
When you pick up this book, you will see the ideal book form: page after page of pure, empty space.
That is why it can never be banned, and this is what makes it a good book according to certain unnamed publishers.
You know I am kidding, right?! With poignant candor, humor and thought-provoking articles, I write about emotional and powerful thoughts, parenting, and inspiration while chronicling my life with my own ups and downs. Smart, edgy, hilarious, sometimes raw and unabashed raunchy.
Stay tuned for my awesome sixth book to come out soon.
