French Women Don’t Get Fat
Instructions: Eat minuscule portions of your favourite foods with a vintage seafood fork. Serve poached pears at dinner parties. Start wearing scarves and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; hiss at fat people.
Pros: A single tarte tatin from the farmers’ market can last up to five days.
Cons: Clarins anti-aging serum is no match for cigarettes. Also, you’re starving.
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Intermittent fasting
Instructions: Incorporate large intervals of not eating into your day and/or week (e.g., eat all meals within a window of six to eight hours).
Cons: Ruin brunch by skipping it in favour of a twenty-gram buttered coffee and telling everyone about your new podcast. Hangry mood swings.
Pros: Unlike other diets, hangry mood swings happen at predictable times.
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Keto diet
Instructions: Eat 70 percent fat by combining eggs, bacon, nut butters, and artificial sweeteners into uncanny valley analogs of real foods. Say, “I’m in ketosis,” to excuse a host of unpleasant interpersonal behaviours.
Pros: Finally put all those leftover mayonnaise packets to use; weekly grocery shopping can eventually be replaced by a single meat party platter and a bag of almonds.
Cons: Excruciating bowel movements once every six days; scurvy.
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Fruit diet
Instructions: Add half a grapefruit to every low-fat, low-calorie meal. Add whole grapefruits in between meals to maintain homeostasis. Otherwise eat more fruit.
Pros: Generous bulk discount from Metro; no more scurvy.
Cons: Ruin brunch by explaining how fruits interaction with bread has sent you to the Emergency Room multiple times; soft teeth; diarrhea. Only suitable for hot weather countries. You always feel cold.
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Mall/Store diet
Instructions: Practice portion control by eating only free samples. Get upward of 15,000 steps per day by walking laps through a cavernous warehouse.
Pros: Discovery of Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters Cereal
Cons: High risk of derailing diet and over-drafting checking account from regularly purchasing Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters; Wednesday samples are mostly Tide Pods and flavoured seltzers.
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Raw vegan diet
Instructions: Consume only uncooked, plant-based foods (e.g., fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds soaked in water). Maintain unblinking eye contact with anyone eating bacon.
Pros: God-like sense of superiority.
Cons: Impossible to talk about “eating nut cheese” with a straight face; blood transfusion for iron deficiency not covered by insurance; ruin brunch with horror stories about concentrated animal feeding operations.
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Noom Diet
Instructions: Pay seventy euros a month to count calories in an app and receive daily reminders that celery is less calorie dense than cake.
Pros: Fleeting sense of accomplishment from signing up and paying for a service.
Cons: Ruin brunch by assessing the calorie density of your friends’ meals; targeted ads for Noom for the rest of your life.
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Paleo diet
Instructions: Emulate our paleolithic ancestors by eating only foods that could be obtained by hunting and gathering.
Pros: Local cave system maintains baseline temperature of 10 degrees Celsius year round (expedient housing option after going bankrupt from all that meat); new bow-hunting skills useful in the event of societal collapse.
Cons: Local cave system inhabited by Neanderthal enthusiasts; no electrical outlets for your podcasting equipment; ruin brunch by wearing a complete fur outfit and a bone through your nose.
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Black market Diet Pills alternative
(compounded from
illegal online pharmacy)
Instructions: Once a week, inject your abdomen, upper arm, or thigh with the contents of an unlabeled syringe delivered by mail.
Pros: No targeted ads on the dark web.
Cons: Diet Pills take twenty years off your body and add them straight to your face; DEA watchlist; pancreatitis; you are no longer invited to brunch.
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Not dieting
Instructions: Eat what appeals to you when you are hungry. Stop when satisfied (or not).
Pros: Regained hours of time and attention.
Cons: None
