Dear all:
Due to concerns expressed by many staff members, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in the Charlio Building on Friday at 4:15 p.m.
Staff will enjoy complimentary cotton candy, calming lavender tea, popcorn, and balloons while roving jugglers and mariachis provide entertainment. Renowned motivational speaker Jay El Sunshine will guide staff through a ninety-minute journey and meditation of self-discovery titled “Keeping It Together: Reaffirming Your Love for Work,” which will remind staff that they are the lifeblood of this organization, and no sacrifice is too great if just one staff member can find value in their work experience.
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Dear all:
Due to budgetary constraints, we have had to scale back the upcoming mental health fair.
“Keeping It Together for Three More Weeks: How to Think of Your Suffering as Punishment for All the Awful Things You’ve Probably Done” will now take place a week from Wednesday in the basement of the main building next to the room with the broken fountain pump. Please note the change of title and location. This session, now presented by Jeffrey O’Sobolom, the best of the best we have to offer, will help you realize that you aren’t going to die if you just suck it up, come to work, and finish your eight hours of work because this is what you are paid for after all. To be at work. Only a worker who actually shows up at work is a good worker. Also, sorry about the short-notice-cancellation but HR was informed so no need to complain.
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Dear all:
For no particular reason and definitely not because of any scandal that has us scrambling to cover our asses, the date for the mental health intervention has been moved to early January 2025.
“Keeping It Together: How Not to Get So Burned Out That You Walk Out in the Middle of the Day” will now be a slideshow presented in the haunted room in the L Building by Phil Jimpac, head coach of the (COST) Complain-but-Offer-no-Solution- Team.
Even though we can’t admit how indispensable you are for legal reasons, we want you to know how important it is for us to appear to value you.
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Dear all:
How are you? (Rhetorical question, no answer needed and we don’t really care how you are). Today’s mental health slideshow has to be postponed.
The COST was wiped out by upper management, and Phil Jimpac is providing round-the-clock complaints to them during this difficult time. Sorry for the late notice.
The presentation has a new title: “Please Stop Burning Out Before the Work Year Ends: No Security Means No Staff Means the Building Closes.” We were told sarcastically that the last title was insufficiently hostile, which we took as a challenge.
It will take place, rain or shine, on April 1 at 7:45 a.m. in the Charlio Building. Tea and nuts will be available for purchase. Those with mold sensitivities or a strong survival instinct may request to attend virtually.
The new presentation will make you see that coming to work is more important than your actual life.
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Dear all,
Today’s mandatory mental health slideshow, “Going Through the Motions: How to Function Despite the Fact Your Supervisors Hate You and Your Job Is Destroying You Spiritually,” has been postponed again.
An important mandatory staff representative meeting is taking place instead but it is not clear if all members can or want to be present because of internal inquiries, so the president sent Coach Phil instead to beg for forgiveness.
It will now be presented on November 11th by the little guy who lives in the drug lab permanently; the drug lab is the one next to the old abandoned dark church. The meeting will start at 5:51 a.m. sharp. The drug storage “facility” in the chemistry building was already reserved by this little guy, so no need to stress this time. If you see him, ask him if he is hungry or if he needs to change his not-so-white lab coat.
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Dear all,
Today’s slideshow in a hazardous location about our indifference to your deteriorating self-worth has been indefinitely postponed. But don’t be sad. There is always chocolate. Have a good fall and winter.
