Hey! What’s up? Long time no see. Listen, I’ve spent more money on skincare products in the last few years than in any other period in my entire life. Why? Well, because I’m aware that we—women only—must fight the war against ageing every single day. I see all the ads and read all the literature you print, like in Vogue, Cosmo, and Architectural Digest. They all read like brochures for getting a facelift, and, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Hey, wait, don’t start scrolling on your phone. I’m still talking. Now that we haven’t seen each other in over a year, you might notice that there’s a little bit of loose skin draped like a curtain dividing the left side of my neck from the right side as if each side suddenly became modest. Please don’t tug at it. It’s skin. No, I don’t want to put on a turtleneck.
Look, I tried to fight it. I bought a five-hundred-euro neck cream that boasts a “tri-structural complex” while simultaneously injecting algae from the bottom of the Mariana Trench!! I figured one of them could hold up skin or reduce wrinkles. I figured one creme could reduce dark circles under my eyes. I used a seventy-euro jade roller that needed to be put in the freezer twice a day in the hopes that I could roll the skin back into place. This is all simply expensive bullshit that DOES NOT WORK. How can a creme make your wrinkles disappear? THINK, woman!
Yay! At least no one grey hair yet. Nice! But sometimes dark circles under my eyes from studying all weekend with my son. Dry hands from cleaning and chopping food. Hold on, where did this wrinkle come from? Please take it off my face. I just want to talk to you. Speaking of my face, I did facial exercises every day to keep my cheeks right up against my eyeballs, but they’re doing their own thing.
Yeah, I’m still good on the facelift brochure; I haven’t changed my mind about it at the last minute. No, that’s incorrect. Women don’t change their minds every minute. Quit spreading that myth, please, and let me talk.
I’ve also lost several kilos because I had so much stress during the last couple of months that I couldn’t eat…and now some weirdo is honking a car horn at me because I AM DRIVING TOO SLOW TO GET TO MY SON’S PARENT/TEACHER MEETING AFTER WORK! Why is he doing that? Never mind, I’m trying to make a point about how my body has changed and how I’ve changed along with it. For fuck’s sake, stop trying to give me that facelift brochure! Oh, it’s not the brochure. What is it? Ah, I see; it’s a coupon for a facelift. Yes, you’re right: I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry.
Do you want to hear the great news? A byproduct of ageing is that I love myself exactly as I am, and I don’t need anyone else’s approval… I’ve simply grown wiser, gained confidence, and discovered inner peace. SEE HOW PEACEFUL I AM ? WHY IS THIS GUY BEHIND ME STILL HONKING ???? The straitjacket is unnecessary too, my friend. I don’t feel crazy (yet) and I’m NOT HYSTERICAL. I’m just saying that I’m a happily unmarried, single-child-raising-woman over forty, and it took a lot of physical and mental work for me to realize that I am okay and to get me to where I am not in life.
Where are we going? Why are we walking into the utility closet at a local supermarket? Are we even allowed in here!?!!!? Holy shit, this store has a secret portal!?!? What is this white room that extends to infinity in every direction? And who are all these women…?
Wait a minute. Is this a place where women can just be the way they are? And these are all the women between the ages of forty and fifty-five who have decided not to fight aging? Wow! I always wondered where we disappeared to in Society’s (your) eyes. Honestly, a theoretical void is a lot kinder of a result than I would have expected.
Thank you, Society. I feel better. You wanted to make me feel sad, rejected, frustrated, insecure, unfulfilled, and completely discouraged? I’m sorry to let you down. What we see in these commercials and beauty magazines is not real anyway. Ageing is okay. It is normal. We all do it and you cannot hide behind cremes, lotions, potions and Botox. I guess I forgot to mention the other byproduct of ageing: lack of self-confidence and insecurity. I no longer feel any of those things because they’ve all been replaced with happiness, self-confidence, and inner peace. Most of the time. STOP HONKING!
