*which is a gas planet. Ur-anus, gas planet! Get it? Funny!
The other day I was out for a walk in the evening and saw this little tiny blue alien sitting close to the freshly plowed field. “What the hell,” I thought. The little creature cried and explained, “I am from planet Uranus. I am so sad because I didn’t get the promotion I applied for and now I have to stay at this portal here on Earth and work from here!” “Oh no, I said, this is so sad. Can you explain how your boss made this decision about who gets promoted? Go on, explain what you did wrong!” The tiny blue alien continued and said, “So management on spaceship Urania says that, …..
I don’t smile enough.
I smile too much.
I don’t kiss ass.
I am abrasive. For example, that time when I asked for a promotion. It was awkward and I made everyone on the management team uncomfortable.
I don’t speak up.
I never shut up and ask too many questions.
I am sloppy. Like when I sent that space email with one typo. Alien boss said I needed to proofread my work.
I am too focused on details.
I don’t focus enough on details.
The alien boss needed to promote females even though I was qualified and exactly who they needed for the position.
I am not experienced enough. Oh, wait, I am 4000 years old! Well, I look young. Maybe if I was more mature, like if I was married or had at least two kids (why don’t you have more kids, by the way? Alien boss is a little curious), then they could envision me as being a supervisor on sector 1 at Uranus.
I do have kids! And am a single parent for crying out loud! Well, the management is concerned about my ability to balance everything, and I look tired all the time, ask for days off because my alien children are sick, and I feel guilty asking the boss to leave, so they just promote someone who does not have kids but has red lipstick, claw polish, hosts the best Friday-after-work-parties inviting everyone even from Mars, who’s a great female alien and “simple and easy” to talk to.
I am too argumentative. For example, right now I am upset that I didn’t get a promotion, and I am asking for concrete examples of what I can do better. Alien management doesn’t want to get into the nitty-gritty. I should just trust my judgment and wait for the next promotion round when “my time comes”.
I am a pushover. When X7R2 came back 15 minutes late from his break (a recurring problem) I should have just told him to be on time instead of telling management that I thought it was inappropriate. Leaders handle their own problems, my alien boss told me.
I am not a team player. If I would just wait a few thousand years, there would be some great opportunities here for me. They need me in my current role right now.
I am not good at promoting myself. What do they even want? I f***ing DESIGNED and BUILT this spaceship myself dammit! It is over there in the field by the way. Still fully functioning because I knoooooow how to start AND land on different planets.
Then he fell silent and cried a bit. When aliens from Uranus cry, tiny stars appear at the corner of their eyes. I hugged him and said, “Look, at least you are on ‘the rooster already for upcoming promotions’. Maybe your time will come. Just wait and keep applying and if you won’t get the promotion that is fine too. Just be true to yourself so you can always look in your space mirror!”
