1. When a co-worker steals your lunch, you:
A) Emit a guttural scream. Ask, “What man committed this crime?!” Lecture the entire office on boundaries. Your bark is worse than your bite, but they don’t know that.
B) Hunt down the motherfucker who ate your cheese sandwich. Tell him to keep his hand at the level of his eye when he walks to the parking garage tonight.
C) Go home. Take a nap under a blanket fort.
D) Find the person eating your lunch, and tell him that if he wanted you to make him a sandwich, all he had to do was ask. You’d be more than happy to pack for two sometimes! Maybe Fridays?
E) Remind everyone that you labeled your stuff. For the next few days go out for lunch. Watch the thief wither without your delicious food.
2. When that woman in your book club calls you confused and forgetful, you:
A) Tell her to fuck off. You know you want to! You’ve been so patient with her hater ass. You deserve a little release!
B) Stab her hand with a salad fork. Shatter a metacarpal. Feel how your ancestors must have felt when they conquered worlds.
C) Freeze and replay everything you’ve ever said or done that could make her think that. Sift through hours and hours of footage. By the time you remember you’re in a room full of people, no one remembers what she said.
D) Tell her she’s right! You are totally spacey. You should probably work on that.
E) Ignore her. This can look like C, but it is an intentional act.
3. When a friend asks for help moving
even though she knows you have back problems, you:
A) Call her a shitty friend. Why can’t she remember the basics about you! What is wrong with her?
B) Slap her until she remembers that you’re always in pain.
C) Tell her you’re busy that day.
D) Help her and injure yourself but don’t say anything. Spend hundreds of dollars on chiropractor treatments just to get back to your normal pain level.
E) Remind her that you can’t lift. Offer to bring bagels or lunch to make her move more enjoyable.
4. When your mother obsesses over the weight you’ve gained
since your high school graduation fifteen years ago, you:
A) Call her a bitch. Who else would randomly talk about your body without prompting? Tell her we can’t all have eating disorders, Karen.
B) It’s mostly muscle. Cardio kickboxing is going really well. Tell her that the next time you see her you can kick her ass until she gets the right idea.
C) Say nothing. You can feel your healthy dinner rapidly putrefying in your stomach. But it’s a free country. You can’t tell her what she can and can’t say. That would be fascist. She’s entitled to her opinion. Even when it makes you cry in the shower before work.
D) Tell her she’s right. You have gained weight, but you’re working on it. You’re going to the gym five days a week and eating healthy. Your body changed. You’re trying to do better.
E) You didn’t ask for her opinion, and you don’t want it. Tell her if she can’t say anything nice, she shouldn’t say anything at all.
5. When your boyfriend says he wants to move in,
but you’re not ready, you:
A) Pick a fight. How could you move in with someone who still can’t manage to clean the sink after shaving? You’ve asked him a million times. It’s like he doesn’t even care enough to try.
B) Throw him out. A window, the front door. Whatever’s closest to the garbage.
C) Break up with him. Don’t tell him why. You obviously want different things and talking about it will only muddy the waters.
D) Tell him yes, yes, a million times yes! Feel that pebble in your stomach grow into a boulder gathering speed down a hill toward an elementary school. Never voice your doubts or reveal your newfound anxiety-related constipation. It will only make him worry.
E) Tell him that his lease being up isn’t a good reason to move in together. You told him you needed space after the miscarriage. No more secretly picking out names or looking up just how big it would be. A poppy seed. A blueberry. A green olive. You were going to throw away all your future plans for him and an apple seed. Without the apple seed, moving in together seems like the rash act it would be. You haven’t even known each other that long. Four months. You want to be smart. You hope he can respect that.
Results:
Mostly As
You may have some issues around impulsivity and aggression that you should look into with a qualified therapist.
Mostly Bs
Physical abuse isn’t cute. Get yourself to anger management before a court mandates it!
Mostly Cs
Bottling up all your feelings isn’t healthy, and hiding from the world won’t solve your problems. You need to learn how to draw boundaries and ask for what you want.
Mostly Ds
There’s something called “fawning” that you might want to look into. Stop catering to other people so much! You are responsible for your own happiness, not everyone else’s.
Mostly Es
Congratulations! You’re basically a zen master! You don’t need that lavender bubble bath, but maybe run it anyway? You deserve it for dealing with A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s bullshit.
