I bet you experienced this: Everything sucks, everybody sucks, and all you want to do is dig a little hole and hide forever. You don’t want to see or speak to anyone. The world simply feels unfair and bad. So, what can you do? Scream and shout and beat something or even someone? Or are there different solutions? Let’s just create our dream land where we can hide and everything is okay. It doesn’t have to be a physical place (even though it can be) because sometimes it works simply by imagining it. I can do this and escape to my happy place nine out of ten times which is pretty cool. This is not easy but with practice it is possible. Like anything in life. Do you have a place like this? A secret little hiding place? Let’s visit NoSuckLand shall we?
In NoSuckLand, chocolate is a nutritious superfood. You can eat as much as you want, won’t gain weight and just be super healthy.
In NoSuckLand, everyone has a pet because pets give you unconditional love always.
In NoSuckLand everybody is helpful, nobody has to wait longer than one minute on the phone to get help. Nobody screams and yells.
In NoSuckLand there is no fine print in contracts and everything is easily understandable.
In NoSuckLand there are no evil, rich politicians.
In NoSuckLand, my job pays me obscene amounts of money. Unfortunately, money is virtually worthless here, so people burn it to keep cool in the long, hot days of winter.
Here, there are no homeless people.
Here, everyone can afford an apartment because rents are affordable for everyone.
Here, there are no alarm clocks. People can wake up whenever they feel rested. There is no alcohol here and no drugs so no hangovers, ever.
Another difference is that up is down, and down is up, but that’s really just semantics, and in NoSuckLand semantics are meaningless.
One great thing is that in NoSuckLand, I have wasted exactly zero hours on my phone playing Candy Crush 3D because playing on your phone is never a waste of time. In fact, it has helped me increase my fine motor skills so much that I am now the world’s most renowned spinal surgeon. That’s why I earn so much worthless money.
Here, the only thing money can buy is happiness, but most people prefer to be morose, which kind of takes the pressure off, to be honest.
When things are going well, some people still say, “You should worry. Things will probably not work out.” Toxic negative people always try to sneak into NoSuckLand. What are these people doing here?
I don’t have any children in NoSuckLand. Nevertheless, I am a complete expert on parenting and freely share my advice, which means that if you meet me, I am an absolute pleasure to talk to.
People here often look at my arm and say, “I don’t want to know what your tattoos says,” which is strange because in NoSuckLand, I don’t have tattoos, just a lot of dog scratches.
Here, everyone gets solely promoted due to their work qualifications, skills, and education. No favouritism, no connections, no hanging out with the boss after work.
Here, everybody gets treated the same. People are happy and content.
It’s a huge relief that in NoSuckLand, I don’t care one bit about how I look, because a woman’s value is not predicated on her appearance. The most valuable trait a woman can possess is consistently speaking up in meetings.
Here, healthy, nutritious food is available to everyone. Nobody needs to eat garbage.
Another thing women are valued for is the enormous amount of emotional labor they contribute to society. This labor is so valued that it is well-compensated. Of course, since money is virtually worthless, emotional labor is instead rewarded with something much more precious: packages of Oreos. You know, the cookies. Yum!
Climate change doesn’t exist in NoSuckLand. In NoSuckLand, there is only “climate same,” and it is an issue that everyone takes seriously. We take it so seriously that we did something about it and created climate change, only we changed the climate for the better.
In NoSuckLand, we now have, on average, twelve more days of perfect sweater weather per year. That, along with the amazing social safety net and the harmonious and civil political system, make NoSuckLand a pretty great place.
In fact, it would be almost perfect if only Oreos here actually tasted good.
