The other day I had a conversation with a colleague at work who is spending “quality family time” with his child at a family resort. Why do I get goosebumps? Maybe because this has nothing to do with relaxation and free time to me when travelling with a small child. Proof me wrong and I will shut up about this! Another friend told me to go to a farm where the kids can pet animals and stuff. Again, I haven’t heard anything about relaxation for the parents yet. Maybe there is the option to hand your kid(s) over to someone who takes care of them all day long while you are at the SPA? That could work. So, you decided to hang out at this over-prized all-inclusive hotel with your lovely family. Finally, the kid is in bed. Here are some options for you and your significant other if you don’t fall asleep at 8 pm as well (oh sweet parenting, sigh!):
Sit in the bathroom and use your creativity to make it the most exciting place in the entire hotel.
Become frustrated that rearranging the towels has failed to turn the bathroom into the most exciting place in the entire hotel.
Remember that your child’s bed has wheels, and see if you can wheel it into the not-particularly-exciting bathroom without waking them up.
Stop moving the crib in a panic after one of your child’s eyelids briefly flutters open. Spend the next ten minutes silently begging them for forgiveness.
Listen to the peaceful sound of your child’s breathing and feel guilty that it is boring you rather than inspiring you to compose a sonnet.
Wonder if going to the hotel bar would count as negligent parenting, given that you and your child would technically still be in the same building.
Decide that going to the bar counts as negligent parenting, but going to the adjacent hotel room would be totally fine.
Remember that you have no idea who, if anyone, is staying in the adjacent hotel room.
Try to figure out if there is a non-creepy way to determine who, if anyone, is staying in the adjacent hotel room.
Knock on the door of the adjacent hotel room. Experience a huge rush of excitement at the thrill of not knowing what awaits you on the other side, a huge rush of relief when no one answers, and a huge rush of shame upon realizing that you just left your child alone in a hotel room for approximately nineteen seconds. Run back to the hotel room and spend the next twenty minutes silently begging them for forgiveness.
Realize that all new parents must share this frustration when staying in hotels. This has opened up a golden business opportunity to start a company that makes it easy to book entire homes with multiple rooms rather than individual hotel rooms for vacations.
Remember that Airbnb already exists, and this is the thesis behind one of its recent ad campaigns. Sigh quietly.
Reminisce about that crazy trip you and the girls took to Amsterdam over sophomore-year spring break while listening to Cindy Lauper on your headphones. Get nostalgic and wistful about how much fuller of possibility the world seemed back then, even though you actually spent most of that trip vomiting after losing tequila shot contests to your at that time best friend J.
Look J. up on LinkedIn. See that she is now a cardiopulmonologist based in the UK. Feel weird about it.
Worry about what to tell your child about the Amsterdam trip if they ever ask you about it. Decide to hope it doesn’t come up.
Write a letter to your local representative asking what they plan to do about how immorally expensive it is to book a hotel room that includes a separate and closed-off space where your child can sleep, as this has clearly been the biggest problem facing the country since about forty minutes ago.
Play Wordle.
Try to come up with the next Wordle.
Struggle to come up with the next Wordle, and play the mini crossword instead.
Write the lyrics to a hit song inspired by your trip. A good title for it could be “Hangin’ at the Hotel.”
Struggle to come up with lyrics beyond “We’re hangin’ at the hotel / So glad it’s not a motel,” and find a different mini crossword to play instead.
Put on your headphones, and watch an episode of Sex and the City on your iPad before passing out. Realize that this really isn’t very different from what you usually do after your child goes to bed.
Also fall asleep at 7:30 p.m. Finally understand why your child seems so full of energy every morning.
