Hey there. Do you know what gentle parenting is? The gently parented child, the theory goes, learns to recognize and control emotions because a caregiver is consistently affirming those emotions as real and important. The parent provides a model for keeping one’s cool (yeah right, try that dumb approach with three kids in the car on your way to a 10-hour road trip), but no overt incentives for doing so—the kid becomes a person (and you insane!) who is self-regulating, kind, and conscientious because they want to be, not because it will result in ice cream and chocolate (damn, this usually works!). Gentle parenting represents a turn away from authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents may use time-outs and groundings (roundhouse kicks), for example, which are discouraged by their gentle counterparts. I mean, c’mon, right? So, you know I like jokes and love to make people laugh. These jokes (in bold) are pretty flat but I like them. And below, are gentle parent responses that ruined them. Enjoy!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays!
But they also have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you name something Monday is good at? No? That’s okay!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!
Only as long as the octopus is fine with being tickled. Remember, we should always respect the boundaries of other people and cephalopods. How would you feel if someone tried to tickle you when you didn’t like it? Not very good, right? So next time you encounter an octopus, be sure to ask before drumming your fingers along its slippery body.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!
And that’s no problem. We don’t have to get everything right on the first try, although I bet that can be frustrating. Do you feel frustrated right now? I do. Let’s take a deep breath and count to ten, and then you can help me finish my construction joke. It’s going to be hilarious.
How do you make a seven even? Take away the S!
But honey, it’s not okay to take things from others. How would you feel if someone stole one of your essential parts and then made a joke out of it? Whoever took the S from seven should go over to seven, return it, and say they’re sorry.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown!
Wow, that snowman has some big feelings. I wonder why he acted that way. I bet he feels sad that spring is coming and that he will soon cease to exist. I sure would be. I think the snowman would feel a lot better if he paused and did a mindfulness exercise—perhaps noticing the sensations of the soft wool of his hat, the warmth of the sun… and never mind, he’s gone.
I bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Whoa, let’s pause here. Can you help me name my emotions? That’s right, I’m mad. What else? Confused. Annoyed. Good. Thanks, buddy. I’m sorry I scared you—I just really wanted to use this thesaurus to find the right words for my construction joke. But even grown-ups get angry sometimes. We’re all learning.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
And sweetie, it is a perfectly normal reaction to be scared when your friends cannibalize each other. Six doesn’t have to talk to seven anymore if it doesn’t want to. It’s also acceptable for six to be sad about nine, and it shouldn’t be afraid to cry. I bet seven would really benefit from therapy too—he’s been having a tough time ever since someone took away his S and made him even, but that’s no excuse to get even. It’s important to be kind.
One day at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over!
But you know what? It’s not nice to push older people like that. Do you know what happened next as a natural consequence? I got arrested for assault and thrown into prison, which is a lot like a time-out except it smelled like old pee, and I had a cellmate who was there for… uh, let’s just say “wrongfully tickling an octopus.” The nice judge set a timer for ninety days to let me think about what I did. On the plus side, I finally had time to figure out what Monday is good at—easy New York Times crosswords.
Want to hear a construction joke? I’m no longer working on it.
Okay, here goes. How do you move a sleeping cow from a building site? With a bulldozer!
Thanks for laughing, kiddo. You’re the best.
