As you may know, I have an 11 year-old son. Yikes! Preteen material! I think I am doing a great job raising him but sometimes I worry about losing the connection with my funny, vulnerable little boy as he gets older. But then, as time goes on with its incredibile speed I think that it will be just the way it is now, only he will be a sweet-hearted young man, and I will feel very short. Here, I will shares completely subjective rules for raising a pre-teenage boy…
I hadn’t realized that raising a preteen boy would involve all the tenderness of a violin spilling out a persistent heartbreaking melody in the background — and also, of course, all the crash-banging of a drum set. But it’s both things all the time. The main rule, which you may already know, is to love this big kid fiercely and excessively.
1. Teach them to respect women. Not in the pretty-object-on-a-pedestal way of things and art; in the way of real, human equals with a right to their self-determination, intelligence and space on the subway.
2. Enjoy the same funny conversations you’ve always had, especially while walking in the woods or cuddling on the couch.
3. Love them for sleeping late. The only other option is to not love them for sleeping late, since sleeping late is itself a given. They’re creating more new human flesh every day, and it’s exhausting! (Remember pregnancy?) When they stagger out at 2 p.m. with their man-sized arms and legs and their sleep-creased baby faces, you can just say, “Did you have a good sleep, my love?” instead of “Good AFTERNOON,” as all of our own passive-aggressive parents did. And you might be treated to a languid smile, a comfortable stretch, and the simple pleasure of the words, “I did.”
4. Be kind to your child, even if it seems like he doesn’t notice or care. He does. Treat him to burgers, to barbecue, to a big smile, a cup of tea, the benefit of the doubt. When he lies down in your bed to be near you and the dog, you can go ahead and keep reading your book but it’s okay to brim with joy.
5. Prepare for cranky questions to emanate from the open fridge: “Is the salami all gone?” “Wasn’t there leftover steak?” Answer with your sunny good nature. “It is!” “You ate it!” Remind your son that he is welcome to restock the fridge.
6. Familiarize yourself with the expression “second dinner,” and buy lots of frozen entrees for hungry nighttime foragers.
7. Enjoy the beautiful, gentle, funny boy who says things like, “Same,” to make you laugh after you muse aloud that your period is killing you.
8. Be trustworthy. Be respectful. If they turn to you with something bad or hard, the first message should be, “I’m so glad you told me.” The second message should be, “How can I help?”
9. Assuming you actually want your son to join you, whatever it is you’re doing, the answer to the question, “Is it okay if my friends come with us?” is always yes. Also, you will remember when he was too shy to invite people over.
10. Relatedly, keep around plenty of books and games to give the kids lots of inspiration and fun things to fill their time with.
11. Preserve your pre-teenager’s dignity. If products like acne wash or deodorant seem called for, these things can be unobtrusively purchased and encouragingly left out. Relatedly, the things you used to do with the bathroom door open? Shaving your leg with a foot in the sink, yanking up your tights? Go ahead and close the door.
12. For everybody’s sake, knock before entering. In fact, maybe even, like, bang a gong outside the door before you get near enough to knock.
13. Take a picture of the heap of gigantic shoes by your front door because one day they will not be there and you will want to tearfully reminisce.
14. Teach them the important life skills: How to send a thank-you note. How to listen and ask questions. How to walk into a kitchen and say, “Put me to work.” How to call their representatives about an important issue. How to clean a bathroom, do a load of laundry, scramble an egg. How to sit patiently on the sofa between their two grandparents with their two new iPhones, nodding slowly and saying, “Here, let me show you,” when the grandparents are convinced the Google has gone missing.
15. Substance-wise, consider moderation over prohibition. That said, if you make one rule, let it be this: “Don’t ever try meth, crack cocaine, or heroin. Ever, ever, ever.” Explain the way these drugs permanently mess up your dopamine receptors (if you need to learn about that first yourself, do).
16. Pick your battles. Personal style is a pretty low-stakes form of self-actualization; if the way they wear their hair or jeans (hello, bum crack!) is not your very favourite, complain about it to a friend.
17. Lying in bed at night, scanning around to check for various dangers and unhappinesses, you will mentally find your son safe in his bed, in his room, in your house. And you will remember to be so, so grateful. Because one day you will buy him a memory foam mattress topper and a set of twin XL sheets and, poof, he will leave behind a heartbreaking boy-shaped hole.
18. Wherever they go, physically or emotionally, understand that they’ll come back to you. And when they do, go ahead and fling your mama arms — your mama heart! — wide open. Wide, wide open.
19. Let them play their computer games once chores and homework is done. Stop constantly nagging about it.
19. Understand that the parameters are constantly changing. Some things should not be repeated under any circumstances. This list is not exhaustive:
Knowing something but explaining it for too long
Pointing out that it’s after 8 p.m.
Asking them to put on their pajamas
Asking if they brushed their teeth
Asking if they peed before bed
Making a joke
Singing
Using slang, yours
Using slang, theirs
Being loud while making a smoothie (for him)
To be clear, my beautiful preteen still asks for bedtime cuddles and makes jokes and wants big life reassurances and climbs into my lap and seeks approval and desperately wants to be loved and accepted, but god forbid I point out that it is 8 p.m.
Let them be in bad moods, but let them know you’re here to help. Their hormones are nuts, their skin and hair is the ugliest it will ever be, they can’t put together an outfit for shit, and they don’t know where they belong in the world. They are becoming independent and still strapped down as young children but feel like they are not kids. It’s hard for them. For my kid, sometimes, I just say, “It’s clear you had a hard day, let’s just make popcorn and watch a movie or talk. You choose”.
Finally! In case you ever worry that you are uncool to the world at large and not just your preteens, I’ll remind you that EVERY parent deals with this. It is not only you! So stop whining.
What would you add?
