Power to understand men
Ability to fly (away sometimes)
Ability to make some people disappear
Ability to turn my faults invisible
Ability to understand why certain things are so fucking expensive (like a new toilet seat! Just the damn seat)
Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity
Sonic shield that prevents people from hearing me in the bathroom
Ability to detect when someone is lying (I am pretty good at this but there is room for improvement)
Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about people complaining about work for an hour
Ability to give up control of Netflix remote control
Power to not feel awkward about eating licorice (how come nobody like this?)
Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoy going to work
Ability to silence (kill) people who snore
Ability to explain all these different genders to my son. Oh wait, there are only two.
Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant
Underwater breathing ability
Rapid leg-muscle regeneration
Ability to communicate with pets
Echolocation to find things in the dark
Memory manipulation about Playstation-play-time for my son
Not-getting-dehydrated-ness
Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs
Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when my son and I wanted to go play basketball
Power to instantly be deaf when there are a lot of kids around
Rapid emotional healing and healing overall
Ability to see into alternate future and relax
Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power
Superhuman capacity to deal with insanity at work
Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it
Ability to break through emotional barriers
Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming
Superhuman hearing
Superhuman listening
Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes someone makes
Paranormal power of sleeping through the night without waking up once
Power to transform tools in the tools aisle I got into those he actually asked me to get
Time compression so every second of someone not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity
Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry someone didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts
Remote, chill view on life overall
Ability to not loose it over little stuff
Ability to rapidly turn off anger
Paranormal power to influence accidents to not happen
Ability to get along and understand my sister
Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent
Ability to sound convincing when I tell him I want to understand his perspective on cheating on me
Ability to search for specific text messages faster
Time manipulation
Ability to beam myself to places
Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as some apparently barely even have sub-human empathy
Ability to control firmness of matrasses (they are not as hard as the salesperson promised me it would be)
Power to just let it go
Ability to travel backwards in arguments
Ability to have unlimited annual leave
Power to teleport myself out of a any bad relationship
