“I’LL CHECK THAT OUT!”
I’m not going to check that out. (e.g. super expensive makeup). Yes, I’m sure you like it, and I’m sure you recommended it to me in good faith. To you, the 80 uninterrupted hours you spent gushing over its merits was time well spent. You believed that the dozens of billboards and online advertisements I’ve seen promoting it were somehow not enough. You thought that what I needed was a personalized recommendation from a casual workplace acquaintance. Ultimately, you hoped makeup that moves you — that ignites your soul and kindles your sense of wonder — would do the same for me. But I cannot bring myself to find out. One thing is certain, though: I will not check that out.
“NO WORRIES.”
I am paralyzed with worry.
“I’M GOOD EITHER WAY.”
For some people, this is not true. I actually have very deep preferences about the course of action you choose to take at work, but I’m keeping those preferences private because I want peace and to go home.
“GREAT! HOW WAS YOURS?”
There are two lies here. First, my weekend was not great. While I enjoyed sleeping in and not being at work, “great” is a ludicrous stretch. I did watch Stephen King Horror movies and had chocolate Saturday (every) night, which was excellent, but Sunday was mostly spent doing laundry, helping my son with homework, cleaning and all those good things. Two days is just too short to unwind after a five-day workweek. Why don’t we have a 3-day weekend? I bet people would be a lot more productive and happy. The second lie is that I care how your weekend was.
“SORRY.”
I didn’t do anything wrong here, OK? After you entered the break room, it was you who picked up my book and breakfast, mistaking it for your own, and so the fault rests entirely with you. I’m not sorry. In fact, I only said “sorry” before informing you of your error because I know virtually no other way to begin a potentially awkward exchange. Also, the world doesn’t evolve around you and all your bullshit. There are other humans in it who all have needs and desires that you need to respect, too. You are not alone on this planet. Simple as that. Now go and complain.
“7:30 WORKS!”
It would be much less stressful for me if we did 8:00.
“CONGRATULATIONS!”
The fact that you and your spouse are buying a 900.000 Euro house fills me with unease. How can you possibly afford this? Either you’ve built a solid financial foundation on which you can buy such a mansion (and even what for?), or you’ve cultivated a happy, carefree attitude that permits you to take risks. Teach me. Please.
“LET ME KNOW IF THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN DO.”
Don’t.
“HEY.”
OK, so there’s no real, affirmative proposition being put forth here, so it’s hard to see how this can qualify as a lie. But the fact is I didn’t want to say it.
“I’M FLEXIBLE.”
I am not flexible at all.
“NOT BAD.”
This kind of depends on how you define “bad.” Nothing is physically wrong with me, and I make enough money to be comfortable. I haven’t had any big falling-out with my family or anything. I have friends. I am feeling really happy since I bought this house but I wish I could spend more time in it, but I have to work to finance it, which makes me spend more time at work than at home. It probably doesn’t make sense. I’m so stupid. It’s not that I never feel good, is the thing — it’s more that I should feel better. Yeah. There’s no reason for me to be feeling this way, and that makes me feel guilty, which makes everything worse. That thing about there being nothing physically wrong with me isn’t quite true. My back has been hurting a bit lately. Remedying this feels utterly beyond my power. If I don’t get enough sleep, it makes me irritable and sad. So, yeah, not bad, I guess. I don’t know. I need a vacation!
“SOUNDS GOOD!”
That depends on how you define “good.” If I detect you have no clue, experience or expertise in a field and try to sound smart, that would be my diplomatic answer of choice if I want peace. There are also ways to challenge and outsmart the “expert” obviously. Just be quiet if you have no clue what is going on. Silence is golden.
